Back in 2015 The Federalist ran an article by a Sara Burrows on her new-found polyamorous lifestyle. Titled Polyamory Is Next, And I’m One Reason Why, we learned:
Four years into our relationship, we found ourselves in the typical rut of co-dependence, resentment, boredom, and fighting over the grocery bill. We’d had an unplanned baby, I’d quit my job to do attachment parenting full-time, and Brad was working long hours in a dungeon of a warehouse. I was stuck at home washing dishes, folding laundry and talking to a two-year-old, bored out of my mind. If we didn’t have anything to fight about, we’d find something, just to make life a little more interesting.
People who complain of a dull life rarely consider that they, not their circumstances, are the problem.
I had freed myself from the grips of government, religion, and parents.
As everyone knows, self-fulfillment is dependent on external forces and cannot be derived from within.
Enter polyamory. Polyamory means “many loves.” It is the practice of engaging in several emotionally and possibly sexually intimate relationships simultaneously, with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved.
If polyamory is the answer, you’ve not understood the question.
We’re both nervous and don’t know what to expect. I’ve pushed Brad to “go first” in dating and sexually exploring other women. He’s been on two dates so far, and we even arranged a crazy one-night stand to sort of break the ice and test our feelings.
Nothing screams maturity and responsibility like arranging a crazy one-night stand.
Since we’ve discovered polyamory, we don’t care about new houses or new cars or vacations.
As we’ve learned, polyamorists consider themselves on a higher spiritual plane to the rest of us.
We’re actually looking forward to the rest of our lives together now. When we were monogamous, our future seemed pretty mapped out: have a baby, get a better job, buy a house, get a promotion, buy a better car, start our own business, buy a better house, make more money, go on vacation, make more money, buy an even better house… grow old in it together.
All because of being able to shag around? Who knew something so simple could deliver such wide-reaching benefits?
We’ve gotten a lot of warnings and admonitions from well-intentioned friends and family members that we’re going to destroy our relationship and hurt our daughter, but we feel exactly the opposite.
Pah! What do they know?
For us, this is the perfect opportunity to save our relationship, spare our daughter from the heartbreak of a broken family, and give her the blessing of happy parents and extended family.
Quite. There is absolutely no reason to believe psychological issues such as loneliness, boredom, and detachment can’t be addressed through meaningless sex with strangers.
In her spare time, she blogs about their new journey into polyamory at polyamorydiaries.com.
So let’s have a look at the entry for the 11th January 2019, shall we?
It’s time to set the record straight. Most of this blog is bullshit.
I was no longer in love with the father of my child/partner of 4 years, and he was clearly not in love with me.
The newfangled concept of “polyamory” was just a trendy excuse to play the field and see if I could find any better offers.
As many have observed, polyamory is often used as cover for people who lack the courage to get divorced.
Either I’d find someone who’d love me better… or Brad, out of fear of losing me, would shape up and start meeting my needs for emotional and sexual intimacy. Either way, I win, I thought.
But my subconscious plan backfired.
The only thing missing from a plan this bad is an appearance by Roadrunner at the end.
I didn’t find a man who loved me more than Brad did, I just found a man who was more excited to put his penis in my vagina because I was novel and he’d gone without sex a lot longer than Brad had.
This is someone who, in a fit of childish pique, bragged of throwing off the shackles of family and religion. She’s now learned the hard way what her granny could have told her aged 16.
I was “in love” in a way, but it was the kind of love you fall into, like a trap, not the kind of love that you rise into, that has the potential to last and grow.
Is she a grown woman, or a high-schooler lamenting a one-night stand with the captain of the football team?
Because I couldn’t empathize with Brad’s pain over this betrayal, because I couldn’t even fathom it, he subconsciously set out to teach me a lesson.
He had to make me feel the pain he’d felt firsthand, so I could know it. So I could have sympathy and compassion for what I put him through.
So he went out and fell just as hard in love as I had, and rubbed it right in my face, until my soul was bloody and bruised and begging him to stop.
This doesn’t sound very subconscious.
Someway, somehow, we made it through the two most awful experiences of our lives, and came out a million times stronger on the other side.
Maybe you’ll want to hold off on the grand pronouncements for a while, eh?
I think society should encourage and celebrate sexual freedom and exploration among teenagers.
I think because society does not do this, and instead represses our sexuality, we wander around still starving for that kind of passion as adults.
Someone whose life is an utter trainwreck thinks society should encourage teenagers to be more promiscuous? Should we ask the drunk sleeping under the railway bridge what he thinks of trade tariffs while we’re at it?
Now you’re caught between a rock and a hard place.
You’re in love with two people.
By now, they are both jealous of your affection and wanting you to choose.
Apparently this is a drawback of polyamory. Who would have guessed?
But you have more history, trust and deeper friendship with the old partner, not to mention a child or two.
Ah yes, the children. Let’s include them in a flippant afterthought.
As Osho says, it is the one we develop a spiritual friendship with who becomes our lasting soulmate.
As I’ve noted before, there’s a peculiar habit of modern, western women to loudly declare they’re rejecting Christianity before plunging headlong into the nearest weirdo cult.
The good news is there can be healing and deeper intimacy on the other side. Brad and I have been more in love in the last 6 months of monogamy than in our entire 8 years before that,
There’s nothing like 8 years of meaningless sex with a succession of insincere strangers to shore up a failing marriage.
and I KNOW it’s only going to get better from here.
Presumably on the grounds things can’t get a whole lot worse.
I don’t know if he’s 100% there yet, but I dream of the day Osho talks about, when we rise so high in love with each other that everyone else disappears.
She’s mentioned Osho 3 times, whereas all she says about her child is:
The sad part about option B is that children’s hearts are often needlessly torn apart along with their parents.
Which is why mature, responsible, functioning adults don’t engage in polyamory. From start to finish, this entire story can be condensed to “me me me”. Everyone else’s concerns are just a side-issue, to be ignored or reclaimed as necessary at her own convenience. And in case anyone thinks such selfishness is limited to female practitioners of polyamory, here’s a post on Reddit:
I’m a 34 year old man who is married to a 33 year old woman and we have a 13 year old boy. I recently went poly with an 18 year old girl, primarily for sex, but we have become increasingly close and she will be moving in soon. My son is very close to his mom, my wife, and I’m not sure how he will react to this. How can I introduce my girlfriend to my son?
What’s the betting this 18 year old has severe mental problems, possibly caused by an absent father and/or sexual abuse at the hands of an adult? Remember people, polyamorists are perfectly normal, just like you and me.
(Burrows story via Michael Story and several readers on Twitter. Reddit post via Robert Mariani.)