Heteroflexible pansexual solo polyamorous relationship anarchist

Via Blue Burmese on Twitter, this from the Guardian:

Sanson is polyamorous, meaning that she has multiple romantic and sexual partners, all of whom are aware of the others’ existence. Currently, the 28-year-old is in a “polycule” with three other people: William, Mike and Laura, all of whom are also dating the other members of the polycule.

I’ve read about these arrangements. One of the men will be getting all the sex while the other has to sit there for hours listening to the women’s problems.

Dinner-party jitters aside, things are going swimmingly for Sansonwho works in marketing. “There’s so much joy in being poly,” she says. “It’s lovely not to burden one person with all your stuff. You just spread it all out.”

Well yes, shagging multiple people at once is fun. What you lose, though, are the benefits which come from a stable, monogamous relationship. Chief among these are being taken seriously by functioning adults.

Polyamory, also known as consensual non-monogamy, seems to be growing in popularity among young people, though with no definitive figures it’s hard to know how much of this is a matter of increased visibility.

No, it’s always been around. What changed is degeneracy is now something to be celebrated in the pages of national newspapers.

solo polyamory, where you identify as polyamorous, but are not currently in multiple relationships.

This like saying you prefer blondes but you’re currently not dating one.

But all those involved reject monogamy as stifling, or oppressive, or simply not to their taste.

Or, thanks to deep character flaws on their part, unobtainable.

“I’ve had people saying to me, ‘You just want to fuck about!’” says 29-year-old Calum James, who identifies as a heteroflexible pansexual solo polyamorous relationship anarchist.

What?

What this basically means is that James, who is mostly straight, is not currently in a polyamorous relationship with a person or persons.

So he’s bisexual and single.

If he were, he would regard it as no more important than non-intimate friendships, because relationship anarchists treat romantic and non-romantic relationships the same.

Which implies the difference between romantic and non-romantic relationship is purely one of sex. This confirms what I’m fond of pointing out, that polyamorous relationships are defined by sex and all the guff that surrounds them are merely attempts to apply a veneer of respectability to a deviant lifestyle.

“But people don’t understand it’s not just about meeting women and having sex with them. I want to build deep connections with people and see them regularly. I just don’t want those connections to follow the same rules as traditional relationships.”

Yes, you want all the benefits of an intimate, sexual relationship without the commitment. This is something most functional adults realise is unobtainable.

James tried monogamy, but found it “suffocating”. “I never understood monogamy, even when I was a kid. I’d think, ‘I fancy three people in my class.’”

And most functional adults understand such concepts as compromise, impulse control, and delayed gratification.

“What I love about polyamory is that I’m my own person and no one owns me. I don’t own any of you, either. We’re all free.”

Woman discovers being single.

Polyamory is having a cultural moment right now, with celebrities such as Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith speaking about being non-monogamous, and the BBC drama Wanderlust depicting a middle-class couple as they open up their relationship.

Yet nobody seems able to find polyamorists on which to base an article who don’t come across as perpetual adolescents, incredibly selfish, or mentally ill.

As polyamory becomes more visible, it won’t be seen as such a tear in our social fabric, but as an ordinary and unremarkable thing. This will be down to the efforts of a new generation who are normalising their freedom to live and love how they want, without nose-wrinkling or head-shaking.

Until they wind up approaching middle age alone, craving the benefits of a stable, monogamous relationship which will forever elude them. The only people who are going to benefit from the normalisation of polyamory are distillers, pharmaceutical manufacturers, and cat merchants.

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41 thoughts on “Heteroflexible pansexual solo polyamorous relationship anarchist

  1. “No, it’s always been around. What changed is degeneracy is now something to be celebrated in the pages of national newspapers.”

    Indeed. And also by Auntie Beeb, who likes to take the occasional prurient look now that she has got used to it. What has changed is, I think, that these inadequates have acquired an identity. They can categorise themselves with a nice label. It’s much more fun to have tinnitus than to suffer from ringing in the ears. There are support groups and articles and stuff.

  2. A former girlfriend of my youngest son was a scientist working in the cancer field, and she told me that multiple partners for a woman was an extremely bad idea!

  3. I would take a slightly more nuanced view…

    It’s entirely normal and healthy for young blokes to shag around as much as they can until their mid twenties after which good sense, hormonal adjustments and work commitments lead one to look at settling down. Less so for girls of course partly because of the way they are made and partly because of the way they are supposed to be brought up.

    Personally I am distrustful of blokes who marry the first woman they shag.

    However what grates about these people is not so much the shagging around – it is the monumental self delusion that they have discovered some fantastically clever lifestyle choice and the resulting inevitable emotional cognitive dissonance.

    Plus the endless admiring articles in the Mostly Shit Media which don’t seem to have thought about it at all and just retail whatever bollocks these saddoes tell them.

  4. Calum James, who identifies as a heteroflexible pansexual solo polyamorous relationship anarchist.

    And soon it will be a criminal offence if you also don’t identify Calum as that pile of pretentious bollocks.

  5. Calum James, who identifies as a heteroflexible pansexual solo polyamorous relationship anarchist.

    Although his actual identity is pretentious hipster twat.

    Funny how “up his own arse” hasn’t yet been identified as an official identity, despite being massively prevalent, especially in the pages of the Guardian?

  6. Actually I do know a couple of stable mature poly relationships. The people in them don’t see the need to shout their status from the rooftops or write articles for the Grauniad/BBC etc. They are also faithful to the rest of their group and don’t bother with all this bollocks

    But they also say that poly is hard – harder than a regular 2 person relationship. They just claim that it is worth it.

  7. To paraphrase Karl Marx, “Wankers of the world unite! You have nothing to lose except your virginity”. They seem to have taken that to heart and are desperately trying to prove they are “right on”.

    By the looks of the three of them on the Guardian article, I didn’t think they had a good one in them, let alone share it around. You live and learn.

  8. “The only people who are going to benefit from the normalisation of polyamory are distillers, pharmaceutical manufacturers, and cat merchants.”

    And marxists Tim–don’t forget them.

  9. Tim, I concur with past commenters saying that you are rapidly making yourself unhireable in your career of choice by posting this stuff.

    In Germany there is a mini-industry of applying for jobs you aren’t going to get and then sueing for discrimination on the flimsiest of grounds. Mostly the cases are paid out to make them go away and avoid the publicity and cost of a trial. Because German is a gendered language (and job titles frequently have both masculine and feminine forms), some such case resulted in every job ad now having “(m/w)” appended, just in case anyone thought a woman was banned from applying for a job whose title happens to be a masculine noun, and vice-versa.

    Those ahead of the curve are now writing (m/w/d) with the d standing for “diverse”.

    No matter how old, someone will find and use this as ammunition.

  10. As polyamory becomes more visible, it won’t be seen as such a tear in our social fabric…

    Ah, the touching faith of radicals and liberals that there are no trade-offs and no unintended consequences of their deviance, tinkerings and reforms!

  11. Those ahead of the curve are now writing (m/w/d) with the d standing for “diverse”.

    Shouldn’t it be m/w/s with the s for sächlich?

  12. BiG,

    Let’s suppose I deleted my blog tomorrow. How long do you think I’d last in a company whose management get taken to the cleaners by professional troublemakers, fret about gender-neutral adverts, and scour social media for wrongthink? You seem to think I want a job with Google or Credit Suisse.

  13. This confirms what I’m fond of pointing out, that polyamorous relationships are defined by sex and all the guff that surrounds them are merely attempts to apply a veneer of respectability to a deviant lifestyle.

    This. One thing about all the polyamorists I know, they get deeply offended if you refer to it as swinging. Swinging is just about hedonistic sexual pleasure, you see, they’re all about having Meaningful Emotional Relationships. Point out that the only difference between them and everyone else who has Meaningful Emotional Relationships in their life is the sexual dimension and they get even more offended.

    Truthfully, though, for the poly women it really isn’t about sex at all. It’s about attention and validation and the soothing of deeply damaged egos; sex is just the tool they’re using to get that, and poly is the ladder out of the pit of perpetual drunken one-night shags.

  14. Any company could get taken to the cleaners by professional troublemakers. If the argument is “their hr has publicly and repeatedly made xer-phobic statements, screenshots attached ” you have already lost your first case and will thereafter be a magnet for professional troublemakers.

    Just think about the risk profile you may present to any employer, even (perhaps especially) the least politically correct employers.

    I agree it’s a shame, chilling effrcts and all, but the reality is not many are prepared to offer up this much exposed surface.

  15. Any company could get taken to the cleaners by professional troublemakers. If the argument is “their hr has publicly and repeatedly made xer-phobic statements, screenshots attached “

    Have you actually any experience in taking companies to court? Or companies being taken to court?

  16. @Daniel Ream
    Well said, esp. Last para.

    @Bloke
    Wouldn’t worry, he will identify as Tina Newmyn every second Thursday of the month, which will recharge his PC energy shield.

  17. Incidentally, it’s not hard to see how the lunatics are winning the culture war hands down, is it?

  18. heteroflexible pansexual solo polyamorous relationship anarchist

    Stupid Grauniad! Can’t even spell ‘prick’ correctly.

  19. I’ve been sued once and sued someone twice. Not on this issue.

    As a recruiting department director had the m/w thing laid on the line by HR, for a gender-neutral job title. That was before anyone knew what a heteroflexible transgender pansexual was.

  20. live and love how they want, without nose-wrinkling or head-shaking

    Oh FFS, these are the same people who will gleefully get you fired for making an off-color joke BUT GOD FORBID some stodgy old geezer shakes their head in disgust at the town bicycle.

    Christ does everything with these people have to reduce down to “Screw you, Dad!” or “Dad, look at meeeeee!”??

  21. I’ve been sued once and sued someone twice. Not on this issue.

    Then you’ll know it takes rather more than pointing to someone’s blog posts to bring a case.

    As a recruiting department director had the m/w thing laid on the line by HR, for a gender-neutral job title.

    I suspect your HR people are engaged in a little job justification, or they’re panicking because of what’s happened elsewhere. Either way, polyamorists are not as yet a protected class under law.

  22. No, that’s more than sufficient grounds. A mate has been sued (And he lost) for an allegedly copyright-infringing post. Certainly in Germany this kind of thing is quite the industry. If you post a job advert without making it explicit it is open to people of all genders you will get a troll applying for it. There are swathes of law firms that do nothing but trolling. For the job thing Google “agg hopper”.

    They don’t even need to sue, just threaten to. And of course they are happy to settle for a few thousand plus legal fees. That’s cheaper to the employer than taking a case through the Arbeitsgericht (because there you have to pay your own costs even if you win). Some of these business models (for example sueing file sharers) have been stopped by parliament, after years of abuse of the law. The job trolls have run into trouble with a recent ECJ judgment, but it’s still for the employer to demonstrate that the applicant is a troll.

    Sexual identity and “world view” are in fact protected characteristics in Germany, so it is likely only a matter of time before they become so elsewhere. I would also bet a large sum that a “polyamorist” world view would receive far greater protection than a Trumpian one.

  23. No, that’s more than sufficient grounds. A mate has been sued (And he lost) for an allegedly copyright-infringing post.

    We’re not talking about a blog post infringing copyright, we’re talking about a blog post being used to sue the company for…well, I don’t know what. If my blog posts infringe copyright, I’d be interested to know how.

    They don’t even need to sue, just threaten to. And of course they are happy to settle for a few thousand plus legal fees. That’s cheaper to the employer than taking a case through the Arbeitsgericht (because there you have to pay your own costs even if you win).

    Actually, it would be cheaper in the long for the company to make the employee go the while nine yards through the courts in the absence of a solid claim against them. An employee going to court against a company extracts an enormous toll, and most won’t go through with it – and none would if their sole complaint is a blog post criticising polyamorists.

    Sexual identity and “world view” are in fact protected characteristics in Germany

    Polyamory is not as yet a sexual identity, even in Germany.

  24. Big

    “I would also bet a large sum that a “polyamorist” world view would receive far greater protection than a Trumpian one.”

    I suspect you are right. Sadly.

  25. If a person sues a company for an employment related issue the company has to prove that they are in the right, and that the plaintiff is in the wrong. Its effectively presumption of guilt rather than balance of probabilities. Companies simply do not win cases in the German labour courts. Ymmv in that capitalist free market liberal and unregulated country called France.

  26. Companies simply do not win cases in the German labour courts.

    I find this exceptionally hard to believe, but let’s suppose it’s true. What has this got to do with me? If a German company is reluctant to hire me because a professional troublemaker might use my blog posts on polyamory to make a spurious claim, so be it. But I might as well avoid writing about football in case a member of the Taliban finds it un-Islamic.

    Ymmv in that capitalist free market liberal and unregulated country called France.

    Funny you should mention that. “Everybody knows” the employee always wins in the French labour courts, but I was told (formally) by a lawyer that taking even a solid case to court is a risky business for the employee.

  27. From the cited article:

    “Chiara Giovanni, 24, is in a relationship with two people. Her partner Aditya Sharad, 23, is monogamous.”

    Aditya, the word you’re looking for is cuckold.

  28. This has been the standard Guardianista boilerplate on various topics — including ‘free love’, but also plenty of others — for decades:
    “As X becomes more visible, it won’t be seen as such a tear in our social fabric, but as an ordinary and unremarkable thing. This will be down to the efforts of a new generation who are normalising their freedom to X, without nose-wrinkling or head-shaking.”

  29. “Let’s suppose I deleted my blog tomorrow.“

    We would look it up on the waybackmachine.

    Nothing on the internet is biodegradable. This is why, if the current Cultural Marxism trends continue, there will be no judges on the US Supreme Court or politicians in any Western country who hadn’t been raised from birth in an oxygen tent with no interaction with other humans.

  30. Companies simply do not win cases in the German labour courts.

    That’s actually not true – or wasn’t c.2002 when I worked in Germany. Admittedly it took depositions by all coworkers of the fired and new suing ex-employee but you can win.

  31. Yes, it’s hyperbole. It can happen, but you have to bugger the bursar.

    I know a company won one once as well. Upon suing, the plaintiff threatened, in writing, to an officer of the court, to stalk employees. This rather clarified the issue of whether or not there were reasonable grounds for dismissal.

  32. Hector Drummond, Vile Novelist

    “As X becomes more visible, it won’t be seen as such a tear in our social fabric, but as an ordinary and unremarkable thing. This will be down to the efforts of a new generation who are normalising their freedom to X, without nose-wrinkling or head-shaking.”

    Isn’t this the Fabian approach to socialism? Crank the ratchet one cog at a time?

  33. David: yes. The best socialists — as in the most successful ones — are the ones who are best at cranking at the right speed for the times. I’m working on an article about this at the moment (although I’m going to express it somewhat differently).

  34. On iPad so will try to be brief.

    These articles are cultural Marxist extensions of the campaign to destroy the nuclear family and ensure that the state is seen as the family. Big brother from Orwell is prescient. My wife, a former young communist (everyone had to be but her party card makes an interesting memento) hates all this and is becoming more pessimistic about the West as the years go by and it gets harder to object without direct personal cost.

    Speaking of personal cost I think most people have a filter when it comes to speaking out. Tim is saying what many, indeed possibly, most think. This isnt going to make him unemployable but will severely restrict where he wants to work. He would never end up at my employer for example. They put on the first page of the HR Diversity handbook the quote that being born a white male is like winning the game of life. Followed immediately by the phrase that to treat everyone equally we have to treat everyone differently. Directly implying they need to hobble the careers of white males. I noted this to my boss, a woman, as a possible useful item to use if I don’t get promoted to role X where I am clearly the best qualified, or even equal.

    The enemy has opened a new box of weapons to use and people like us can make us of them. This makes me think Tim is going to make a living suing for sex discrimination when he can’t get a job in an HR department that is usually 90% women, Use their diversity targets against them. After all I don’t hear anyone in my office saying we need to hire more male administrators, it’s always more senior women that are needed…..

  35. “so it is likely only a matter of time before they become so elsewhere”

    Not necessarily. The kinds of insanity built into the law differ quite significantly from country to country. I would speculate that the amount of self-censorship taking place in Germany is an echo from the Nazi catastrophe and is unlikely to catch on elsewhere.

  36. This makes me think Tim is going to make a living suing for sex discrimination when he can’t get a job in an HR department that is usually 90% women

    A bloke in my previous company discovered his female colleague earned more than him for the same job. He took it to HR, whose jaw hit the floor. They’d not realised this was a two-way street.

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