Venus Lie Trap

A couple of weeks back I wrote a post about a woman who’d failed to find a suitable partner online despite lying about how old she was. It’s hard to think of something more dumb than starting off your very first interaction with someone with a blatant lie, especially one which is impossible to keep very long. Unless, of course, you’re not really interested in pursuing anything serious with them in which case you can say you’re an off-duty astronaut who regularly saves baby seals from burning buildings.

Some of my readers will recall I was left rather mystified last summer by a Russian woman I’d met in the US who pursued me with gusto for a month, spent a week with me in Miami during which we got on fabulously, only for her to end it via text message the day after we parted and block me on every platform and communication system she could think of.

I can’t say I spend much time thinking about her, mainly because I barely knew her, my life has changed a lot since what with my moving to the UK and meeting someone else, and sand and sunshine is so far from the wet streets of Cambridge it might as well have happened on the moon. But the other day I was discussing it with someone and suddenly it occurred to me that the most obvious explanation is she’d told me a pack of lies about her life, circumstances, and who she was and if things had gone any further I’d have discovered the truth. Hell, there were plenty of red flags as I’d mentioned, and if you took an uncharitable view of any of them it would be enough to send any sane man running for the hills.

So I expect her life decisions had forced her into a trap: tell the truth from the beginning and never get a date, or lie and accept it can only be a short-term thing. I expect the reason she’d been on 60+ dates without success is because she’s tried everything from telling the truth to lying through her teeth, and always with the same result. By now she’s probably got the narrative so polished she believes it herself, but retains enough wit to know to exit before the truth comes out. In hindsight, it’s easy to see where the lies were; some things didn’t make any sense, and there were more than a few inconsistencies.

Why I didn’t see this back in the summer I don’t know. Perhaps I was too close to the subject, so to speak. But I can imagine a lot of men getting into this situation, too. If a married guy wants an affair, when does he drop the bomb that he’s got a wife and kids? From the outset, and only pick up the desperate, the insane, and the French? Or later, in which case she’ll go nuts, tear up his clothes, and phone his wife? Or not at all, in which case the whole thing’s got about a month to run unless he’s very smart or she’s very stupid.

For men or women, it must be an exhausting way to live. It’s probably better to make decisions you don’t have to spend a lifetime lying about. I’m kind of glad that for the most part I have. The only questions which have me skirting the truth are “How were things at your last place of work?” in interviews and “What kind of music do you like?” on first dates.

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16 thoughts on “Venus Lie Trap

  1. That married guy looking for an affair could just say his wife was a member of Congress and they are both looking for an affair — with the same woman. And he may just be telling the truth.

  2. “my life has changed a lot since what with my moving to the UK and meeting someone else.

    Spill the beans Tim. You can’t just leave that, hanging, there.

  3. Fay,
    Tim knows he slipped. That’s why the two quick new posts. He’s hoping we’ll be distracted by the shiny new toys.
    But we’re on to his game, we are.

  4. I’m genuinely curious Tim – not about your new squeeze but about what you think the issues the Russian woman had were and what the warning signs were. You’ve floated a whole mystery and left us hanging.

  5. Well done Tim! Quick work.
    Everybody lies, don’t they? Especially women.
    Not saying that’s a problem. The lies tell you much more about a person than the truth ever will.
    Hence my own personal tactic. I always tell the truth. But in such an unconvincing manner I’m not believed. Much of my life tends to be fairly unbelievable anyway. That leaves them to make their own conclusions – aided by a few clues I’ve scattered about. Now, because they’ve worked at reached that conclusion, they’re utterly convinced their version is the genuine one. And just happens to be what I wanted them to think in the first place. And I’ve always got the option of disproving their conclusions & giving them another fox to chase.
    Hate lying anyway. Too hard to remember what they were for who. And it’s your own life you’re mostly fucking up trying to live them. Maybe like your woman.

  6. “The only questions which have me skirting the truth are … “What kind of music do you like?” on first dates.”

    To be honest, that’s a really good thing, both generally, and in your specific case*.

    *I’m also reminded of the John Cleese quote- “An Englishman would rather be told he is bad in bed, than to be told he has no sense of humour.”; I think that you could substitute taste in music easily ( for the bad in bed part).

  7. “……..and only pick up the desperate, the insane, and the French..”

    I see what you did there. Snark!

  8. Tim, I was hoping my girls vids would get you rocking up here with something electric and a 100W Marshall, there is still time.

  9. I’m genuinely curious Tim – not about your new squeeze but about what you think the issues the Russian woman had were and what the warning signs were.

    Her story as she tells it:

    She got married in her late teens to a Russian and got pregnant by mistake. Her husband used to beat the kid so she left him. When she was 22 she signed up to a dating site and met an American who was in his 40s. She couldn’t speak English and he knew no Russian, but he somehow wrote to her for 7 months then visited her for 5 days, and they communicated through an electronic translator. At the end of his visit he proposed and she agreed, and upped and moved to the US taking her kid with her. Her new husband adopted her kid and they lived together while she learned English. Eventually she got a job then got pregnant again, which she said she didn’t want to happen. Then her husband apparently turned really weird and showed signs of mental problems and was controlling an lazy and a million other things until finally when the youngest kid was 10 she filed for divorce and moved from Kansas to Washington DC. The ex-husband wants nothing to do with either of her children, and he has now married a Filipina who has come to live with him in the US. She lives with her two boys aged 12 and 19 in a small flat in DC, working as an engineer for a big American defence contractor. I was the 59th guy she’d dated in about 2 years, and she complained American men weren’t honest. She had no family except her mother who she didn’t speak to, and no discernible friends in the US except for the sister of her ex-husband and a couple of Russian women scattered about.

    I’ll leave you to spot the red flags in among that lot.

  10. To be honest, that’s a really good thing, both generally, and in your specific case*.

    Yeah, in all seriousness most people find that rather charming. 🙂

  11. I was hoping my girls vids would get you rocking up here with something electric and a 100W Marshall, there is still time.

    Will that thing hook up to a banjo? 😀

  12. Well done Tim! Quick work.

    First day I was in London during the visit for my job interview. Got snapped up pretty quick!

  13. Sadly, there is one entirely credible statement in the Russian lady’s CV — “She lives … in DC, working as an engineer for a big American defence contractor.”

    A Russian-born woman with apparently limited education (she seems to have been too busy!) working as an engineer for a US defense contractor??? If the media get hold of this story, they will undoubtedly discover that she is part of Trump’s dastardly scheme to sell out US military secrets to Russia.

    Well, if you are going to date female engineers and music is off the conversation list, it might be fun to ask a lady like this about her views on the philosophical implications of the Second Law of Thermodynamics. A guaranteed way to go home alone!

  14. A Russian-born woman with apparently limited education (she seems to have been too busy!) working as an engineer for a US defense contractor???

    She had a reasonable education: bachelors in engineering and a masters from the University of Florida, and she wasn’t stupid. And yes, I was amazed she worked for a defence contractor as a dual-citizen, but she told me she worked in the Pentagon before! Not with full security clearance, only limited, but still. Insane, but I’ve long thought the US defence department stopped being about defence some time ago. I bet the Russians and Chinese don’t employ Americans in their defence headquarters.

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