One Girl, Two Kilts

Barely a week seems to go by without another polyamory puff-piece turning up in our media. Reader Robert Harries alerts me to this one from the BBC:

Noni is polyamorous – she has two boyfriends and is committed to them both equally.
The 23-year-old, who lives in North Berwick, says she felt trapped and claustrophobic in monogamous relationships, no matter how much in love she was.

Readers will be astonished to learn one of Noni’s boyfriends has a tangled beard and ponytail.

She tells the BBC Scotland documentary Love Unlimited: “There is nothing wrong with one partner.
“I just don’t see why I should artificially limit the amount of love that I put out into the world.
“I’m greedy. I like people liking me.”

Polyamorists have the annoying habit of assuming normal people have never considered the possibility of having sex with multiple people at the same time. So wrapped up in their own sense of uniqueness it’s never occurred to them that almost everyone considers this, but prefers the benefits an exclusive, monogamous sexual relationship brings.

Although she is only 23, Noni insists that polyamory is a lifestyle choice she intends to continue and does not think it is incompatible with raising a family.

Oh yeah? In all my writings on polyamory I’ve never once heard a quote from a sane, functioning adult who was raised in a polyamorous relationship. The only ones we hear from are those whose own wishes appear to come before anything else.

She says: “I know people who are polyamorous and have children.

I knew hookers who had children, too.

“There is an assumption that polyamory is an overtly sexual thing which it does not have to be. You don’t have to have an orgy house.”

It doesn’t have to be, but it usually is because it’s the sleeping arrangements which define a polyamorous relationship. However she goes about it, her kid is going to have to process its mother disappearing frequently to be with her other partner, or the father disappearing frequently to make space for the other man. How is either good for the kid?

“It is really outdated to think a child needs one mother and one father.”

This is true, provided nobody really cares what sort of adult the child becomes and there is a healthy welfare system in place.

Noni says polyamory is not actually new but it is still taboo, though that could be changing.

That’s certainly what those who commission these articles are hoping, at any rate.

“People have been practising polyamory for as long as people have existed,” she says.

Yes, it was called “shagging around”, or even “dating”.

“I would not say we are blazing a trail but we are definitely creating an environment that allows for a healthy community.”

As Wikipedia would say: citation needed.

These articles are seemingly endless. There’s an agenda here, isn’t there?

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33 thoughts on “One Girl, Two Kilts

  1. Meh, I’ve always thought the agenda went about as far as clickbait. People like to read slightly titillating things, maybe fantasise for ten seconds, then realise it might not be so great and move on (especially if there are pictures of rather drab-looking subjects attached).

    The cod-anthropology is really just self-justification for the subjects and a veneer of respectability for the article.

    Maybe I’m wrong, but it’s never struck me as political in the way that the race/gay/trans stuff often is.

  2. Noni says polyamory is not actually new but it is still taboo, though that could be changing.

    The possibility that there might be good reasons why polyamory is taboo never seems to cross her mind.

  3. “Readers will be astonished to learn one of Noni’s boyfriends has a tangled beard and ponytail.”

    And the other one is a “drama graduate”. So unemployed, then.

  4. On the first Feminian Sandstones we were promised the Fuller Life/
    (Which started by loving our neighbour and ended by loving his wife)/
    Till our women had no more children and the men lost reason and faith,/
    And the Gods of the Copybook Headings said: “The Wages of Sin is Death.”

    Kipling nailed all this a hundred years ago. JerryC had the right of it: things are taboo for a reason.

  5. North Berwick? In a sense, I can’t blame her. North Berwick isn’t the end of the world but on a clear day, you can see the end of the world from there. Other than booze, baccy and bonking to occupy the denizens, the attractions and leisure activites of the place are somewhat limited. That’s why there are no prostitutes there. A decent, honest and hard working whore can’t compete with the enthusiastic amateurs.

    But the “me, me, me!” entitlement attitude does shine through. I pity any progeny that result from the behaviour.

  6. The thing about genuine polyamory (where both partners are free to shag who they like) is that sooner or later one partner starts shagging a better looking person than their existing partner and the whole thing collapses in a morass of jealousy, acrimony and bitterness.

    Another example is the woman in the Mainly Fail some months back who gave her husband an ultimatum “Let me bring another man into my life or give me a divorce” which roughly translates as “Let me shag around or I’ll nuke this marriage”.

    Hubby was clearly not happy, but had a gun to his head with regard to losing half his stuff to a whore and issues over custody and access to his children (given that parental alienation is the last high growth industry in the UK)

    Can Open Marriage Work?

    I love the footnote in the Guardian edition of the same article:

    “Anita and Marc have been amicably separated for over a year and continue to co-parent their children.”

    Why I Chose Polyamory

    It’s almost as if men are somewhat to being cuckolded by their wives…who would have thought such a thing could be?

  7. Nice spot, North Berwick. Sandy beach, excellent sea views, outdoor swimming pool, wee harbour, golf, the Law (from which wunnerful views), and trains into Edinburgh. Excellent local strawberries too. At least that’s how it was in our day.

    Hey, Noni: no!

  8. @dearieme The outdoor pool closed in 1998. I always thought North Berwick was largely filled with retired Edinburgh professionals who had moved there to play golf in their declining years – and also to drive _very slowly_ along the local roads in huge powerful cars. These three could well be the only peple in the wee town (or village as it would be in England) who are in their twenties.

  9. “…she has two boyfriends and is committed to them both equally.”

    But not necessarily strongly.

    Also: “we are definitely creating an environment that allows for a healthy community”. So you see, if you put words together the right way, they don’t actually have to mean anything at all.

  10. The menage a trois seems more often to be a stable polyamorous relationship, which I think is because you tend to have one partner with dominant status.

    Same as Muslim marriages, where women have entrenched lower status and the harems of emperors etc.

    I would guess that the number of successful polyamorous relationships in which all partners are equal is very close to zero.

  11. I’d also guess the mental health status of kids brought up in a stable menage a trois to be ‘proper fucked up’….

  12. “These three could well be the only peple in the wee town … who are in their twenties.” No wonder it’s a desirable place to live.

  13. Well you comments spam protection won’t let me post the link, but another one has popped up on Guardian opinion

    “My son is trans and polyamorous – here’s what I learned from him”

  14. “My son is trans and polyamorous – here’s what I learned from him”

    Presumably that there ARE good arguments for post-birth abortion…?

  15. (slow golf clap)

    Sheesh.

    I read this over 10 hours ago and only now after coming back to check the comments do I get the riff on the title. Well done sir! 🙂

  16. Strictly speaking one bird and two blokes is polyandry, not polyamory, but presumably there isn’t another bird desperate enough to sleep with any of them.

    “I knew hookers who had children, too.”
    Obviously, otherwise where does preggo come from?

    I think that’s lowered the tone satisfactorily.

  17. I recommend that she should read “12 rules for life” by Jordan Peterson, to understand, reject & overcome this mental illness.

  18. Re: “my son is trans and polyamorous”. The Graun writer mentions that she often reflexively calls ‘her son’ she. Presumably because the deranged narcissist she dragged up is biologically female? Jesus H Christ.

    And yet eugenics gets a bad rap…

  19. While we are grauniading, My teenage daughter is embarrassed by the car we’re giving her for her birthday.

    I bought my 17-year-old daughter driving lessons for her birthday. It was always assumed she would have my partner’s six-year-old car when she passed her test and that he would get a new, bigger car.

    But she has decided she doesn’t want this car: it’s not cool enough, it’s the wrong colour and the pattern on the seats is embarrassing. She feels we should buy her a different car. I think she is being ungrateful; she’s lucky to be given a good car. …

    My daughter doesn’t need a car – her sixth form school is two minutes’ walk away and we have good public transport. We can afford to buy her a car, but I don’t think that’s the best thing to do. She has some money from a savings plan, which she’s suggested using, but she is supposed to be saving for university. Also, if she did spend that money, it would mean an older car than the one she is being offered, which I don’t think is sensible.

    Am I being stubborn, or out of touch? I appreciate teenagers today have different expectations and more pressure through social media than I did. But I am struggling with this.

    “We all want our children to know their own minds and show independence, but the moment they do – usually about things we may not agree with – some parents don’t like it. I want you to imagine your daughter at a work meeting (or similar) in a few years from now. She is offered a substandard contract or, at least, one she doesn’t like. And she digs in her heels and asks for a better one. You’d be proud, wouldn’t you?”

    To be fair the full advice is quite reasonable, but I wish Graun readers didn’t sneer at Daily Hate readers for being sooo middle-class. They don’t exactly have the newspaper of the proletariat themselves. They have the organ of the administrative and creative classes who seek to control and enculture the proles, and it helps them feel less guilty about their own economic and environmental impact when someone can give them reassuring advice about what unnecessary car to buy for their teenager.

  20. I’d also guess the mental health status of kids brought up in a stable menage a trois to be ‘proper fucked up’….

    If you hang on for a while, I’ll let you know; a university acquaintance is raising twins in one.

    Of course, that may be confounded by the fact that they’re awful parents with no tolerance for conflict who cave any time the kids throw a tantrum.

  21. MBE;

    “They have the organ of the administrative and creative classes who seek to control and enculture the proles, ”

    Spot on!

  22. This is part of the vanguard of the muslim invasion. We’re being prepped for a “new normal” where the stone age practices of these savages have to be something we accept as readily as tea and toast. As always, we’re taught to accept this bullshit with friendly white faces so that when we encounter violent and abusive muslims doing the same, we no longer have a cohesive social view on whether it is wrong or not. Violent revolution against this cultural destruction cannot come fast enough.

  23. The cod-anthropology is really just self-justification for the subjects and a veneer of respectability for the article.

    You may be right.

    Maybe I’m wrong, but it’s never struck me as political in the way that the race/gay/trans stuff often is.

    Let’s wait and see…

  24. The possibility that there might be good reasons why polyamory is taboo never seems to cross her mind.

    One of the things that surprised me when looking into this polyamory stuff is how everyone is expected to just blithely accept the concept of a man or woman happily allowing his or her partner to take off on a Friday night to spend all weekend being fucked by somebody else. Now I can understand why they might get annoyed at criticism of the practice, but they rarely seem prepared to even deal with the inevitable surprise or incomprehension when declaring they’re in such a relationship.

  25. Another example is the woman in the Mainly Fail some months back who gave her husband an ultimatum “Let me bring another man into my life or give me a divorce” which roughly translates as “Let me shag around or I’ll nuke this marriage”.

    Amply covered on your one-stop-blog for all matters relating to polyamory.

  26. Go on.

    York International Hotel, Dubai, 2003-5. Full of prostitutes from Uzbekistan, Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan, and Russia, I used to chat with them a lot. Almost every one of them had a kid.

  27. I read this over 10 hours ago and only now after coming back to check the comments do I get the riff on the title. Well done sir!

    Heh! Hope I didn’t make you barf in a sporran!

  28. Of course, that may be confounded by the fact that they’re awful parents with no tolerance for conflict who cave any time the kids throw a tantrum.

    Heh! It’s almost as if the female protagonist in my book was grounded in fact.

  29. I can – just about – understand why some people might be polyamorous. What I can’t understand is the willingness to broadcast the fact. They seem more concerned with displaying how radical and trangressive they are than simply getting on with their perverted but insignificant little lives. #notinterested

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