There are few things in life more irritating than football commentators, and nothing makes them more so than their insistence on citing meaningless trivia and statistics while the game is in full flow. I can only imagine they do this because they have nothing else to say. When I was watching the EFL final on Sunday, the commentator decided to treat us to this (paraphrasing):
And you would have to go back to 1972 to find somebody older than Zlatan Ibrahimovic scoring in a League Cup Final, when Jack O’Sullivan scored for Aston Villa against Charlton Athletic at the age of 35 years and 272 days, making him 29 days older than the Swede. Aston Villa went on to win the final that day by two goals to nil, beating a Charlton side that featured Jimmy Ramsbottom, who went on to play for Chelsea of course.
It was woeful stuff, utterly irrelevant to the game being played and containing no information that anyone would find interesting. It’s not as if one can admire the commentators for holding this kind of knowledge in their heads, they’re sat there with laptops in front of them and probably a dozen or so of these idiotic trivia items lined up in advance. I suspect the commentators think it makes them look as though they have a deep understanding of the game and its history, as if anyone cares.
Earlier in the week I was watching the Manchester City versus Monaco Champions League match on my computer, streaming it from an American channel (naughty me). Whereas I confess my unfamiliarity with their style and simple prejudice makes American commentary on soccer games grate in my ears, I noticed that the statistics they were throwing out were at least relevant. Again, I paraphrase:
John Stones is coming up for this corner kick, and we must remember that he is the highest scoring defender from set pieces in the Premier League season so far.
As I said, the style grates a bit, but American sports are conducive to being described in terms of statistics so it is hardly surprising that the commentators stateside have kept this approach when it comes to soccer. But at least the statistics being presented over there are relevant to the game at hand: when Stones came up for the corner I did keep an eye on him, thanks to the commentator telling me there was a chance he could score a goal here.
This isn’t the only area where the Americans have the Brits beat when it comes to football. I think it was James Hamilton on his sadly defunct More Than Mind Games blog who pointed out that the best websites discussing football tactics are American ones. Again, when you consider the American sports and their obsession with tactics (as opposed to woolly concepts such as pride, passion, and “character”) this is perhaps not surprising. The guy(s) running it don’t post on as many games as they used to, but Zonal Marking was my go-to place for football tactics for a long time.
The one TV stat that irritates me is the ‘kilometres run’ info that pops up at the bottom of the screen when a player is substituted. Not only is the total in modern footy usually much the same, with the exception of the goalkeeper naturally, but some of the older and maybe more influential players don’t waste energy charging aimlessly around.
My eldest son who coaches at junior level records each game and compiles stats on shots and possession to examine who is doing what, more or less. The results go on feckbook for all parents to see. The one he never publishes is the ones I have seen that show how useless some of the lads are at passing the ball. As he says, he isn’t there to crush dreams but encourage better footy. Publishing a stat that shows in a game devoted to passing that little Brandon could not pass the ball to spotty faced Ryan or even ginger-mopped Brady if his life depended on it wouldn’t do anyone any good to have it paraded openly as a stat. Parents grumble enough as it is.
I quite like the seemingly random facts; but then I am a sucker for rugby history.
On stats, at the last Lions tour an Irish blog came up with a rather telling, if bloody labour intensive to compile, way of attempting to measure the essentially unmeasurable, the effectiveness of players’ ruck contributions across a game. https://dementedmole.com/2013/10/30/ruck-marks/
“John Stones is coming up for this corner kick, and we must remember that he is the highest scoring defender from set pieces in the Premier League season so far.”
Even that’s wrong. Stones scored his first goal for City in the 5-0 stunning of West Ham in the FA Cup tie.
Even that’s wrong.
Paraphrasing.
I find this quite good: http://statsbomb.com
Saturated with Yanks, mind.
Zonal marking sounds like something your dominatrix would do.
More so than man-marking, Hob?
The commentator in the League Cup final is especially dire. All he needs to do is identify the players. The rest is just posturing. The expert is there to discuss tactics etc.
“There are few things in life more irritating than football commentators”.
Two words; Justin Fucking Marshall.
Two words; Justin Fucking Marshall.
Phil Fucking Kearns.
The expert is there to discuss tactics etc.
Indeed, Gary Neville is worth listening to.
A reminder of the late great darts commentator Sid Waddell . “When Alexander of Macedonia was 33, he cried salt tears because there were no more worlds to conquer….Bristow’s only 27.”
“Phil Fucking Kearns”.
Thankfully, I’ve canned foxtel this year so I no longer have to hear his catchphrase, “jeez” just prior to him expressing something pointless like, “that winger is fast”.
He’s an old dog who can learn new tricks though; it’s been a couple of years since he’s suggested that a “double movement” is not allowed while scoring a try (“not releasing the ball immediately once tackled” is the rugby union version).