Engineering Consultants’ Standing Orders

(Based on Rogers’ Rangers Standing Orders

1.  Don’t sign nothing.

2.  Have your CV clean as a whistle, job market scoured, 30 days notice given, and be ready to quit the project at a minute’s warning.

3.  When you’re late with a report, act the way you would if you was sneaking up on a deer.  See the enemy first.

4.  Lie through your arse about what you see and what you do.  There is a finance department depending on you to satisfy the client.  You can tell the truth all you please to other consultants on the job, but don’t ever tell the truth to clients or senior management.

5.  Don’t ever write a report you don’t have to.

6.  When we write reports, we do it together, so technical errors cannot be pinned on one man.

7.  If we get caught producing dodgy reports, we spread out onto other projects around the world, so it is harder to track us.

8.  When we work, we keep working till dark, so as to give us more hours to bill the client.

9.  When we attend a meeting, the Project Manager stays awake while the rest sleep.

10.  If the auditors come round, we keep ’em separate till we have had time to bullshit them, so they can’t get the true picture between ’em.

11.  Don’t ever work for the same client more than once.  Work for different companies so they won’t get wise to you.

12.  No matter whether we work on big projects or little ones, each project has to support at least one useless bastard in the team, one equally useless bastard sitting in the regional support office, and no fewer than four completely useless bastards employed at company headquarters.

13.  Every morning you’ll be told where to find another job if the client throws you off the project.

14.  Don’t sit down to eat without making sure it can be put on expenses.

15.  Don’t sleep beyond midday.  The client will be expecting you to show up every now and again.

16.  Don’t enter the office by a regular door.

17.  If somebody is identifying glaring errors in your work, make a circle, turn it all around, and accuse the person who is onto you as being technically incompetent.

18.  Don’t stand up when the client is coming.  Lie down, crouch down, hide behind the desk.

19.  Let the deadline come until it’s almost close enough to touch, then deliver some half-arsed report you’ve pinched from somebody else, move onto another project, and leave a graduate trainee to finish it off.

(Thanks to “Leisure Suit” Larry Barrow for the idea.)

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5 thoughts on “Engineering Consultants’ Standing Orders

  1. Pingback: Tim Worstall

  2. I could, of course, to follow your example and provide “architect’s mode of operations” installment, but modesty (and vulgar desire to eat) prevent me…for now.

  3. ..and the golden rule of Consultancy:

    “Every Client has the inalienable right to stew in his own piss if that’s what he wants to do.”

  4. My #1 tip:

    If your client is an idiot (which many of them are) – never make them think they are an idiot. Don’t ever patronise them or tell them what you really think.

    Why? well, they will be one of your best clients if you keep them blissfully ignorant. An idiot and their money are easily parted, after all.

    Also – idiots keep asking the same questions over and over again, every year. And you can supply them with the same answers. A few days or weeks work has a lifetime’s earning potential…

  5. Hey, i stumbled across your blog kind of randomly. as a korean american preparing for a short trip to dubai (and also a consultant), i found the entries on your stays in korea and UAE pretty hilarious and sometimes insightful as well. good luck in the north!

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