Not Recommended for Honeymoons

Twenty ways to tell that your hotel is crap:

1.  Housekeeping leaves a dirty coffee cup on the table for two days.

2.  You can make a cold face-mask with a towel and still watch TV.

3.  Half the TV channels work half the time.

4.  The internet costs $1 for 5 minutes.

5.  They fumigate the rooom every month, causing dying cockroaches to drop from the ductwork that night.

6.  You have a shower and foot/ankle bath simultaneously.

7.  Laundry takes an hour to collect on a good day.

8.  Eight hours on a bad day.

9.  And it comes back sized for Action Man.

10.  Half the bulbs in the hotel sign have blown.

11.  You have to ask the waitresses to replenish bowls/milk/spoons/coffee cups at breakfast.  Every single morning.

12.  Prostitutes hiss at you from the bushes.

13.  The bottom of the bed and edges of the sofa are black with grime.

14.  The bathrobe is sized for a 12 year old girl.

15.  The minibar is empty.

16.  Walking from one part of the hotel to another involves similar levels of peril to crossing the M25.

17.  Getting a full set of towels is a bonus.

18.  Washing a pair of socks costs $1.60, a shirt  $5.60, and a pair of trousers $9.30.  Pressing is 50% extra.

19.  The air conditioner sounds like a diesel engine.

20.  The room rate per night is over $250.  Breakfast is an additional $28.  This is a basic room, prices for other rooms go beyond $1,700 per night.

Welcome to Nigeria, and the best hotel in Lagos.

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7 Responses to Not Recommended for Honeymoons

  1. Ah, yes, fond memories indeed, thanks for the reminder … having arrived after midnight and with a terribly important breakfast meeting at 07:00 I woke up around 04:00 with the feeling of being on the beach …. prescient as the entire room was under six inches of water … from the toilet for Christ’s sake .. gotta say that I love the Nigerians though … oh, how we all laughed ….

  2. Tim Newman says:

    Ha ha! Now you remind me, I should also have added that my toilet continually runs water into the pan. It’s not overflowed yet, though.

  3. Amanda says:

    hey, at least the laundry and internet are cheap! To wash a pair of pants here is $25!!!!!!! Needless to say, I found a laundromat nearby :) And the internet sounds like Russia….except it’s more like $1 per minute…..grrrrr

  4. Tim Newman says:

    Are you still in Viking country, Amanda? Because that’s like being in Japan, it’s expensive but goooooood. Here it’s expensive and makes Yuzhno-Sakhalinsk look like Singapore for infrastructure and organisation.

  5. Amanda says:

    haha! yes, we’re still in Stavanger for another week….I was just in shock when I saw how much they were going to charge to wash my underwear ($10!!). Everything is super expensive here, but not really more than what we pay in Yuzhno, it’s just better quality. I’m more shocked when I find something reasonably priced these days!!

  6. dearieme says:

    I’ve never stayed in a hotel that could give me a bathrobe that fitted. Never.

  7. Dinc says:

    You have just described Caesars Park Hotel in Beirut…a three-star caesarean experience

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