Twenty ways to tell that your hotel is crap:
1. Housekeeping leaves a dirty coffee cup on the table for two days.
2. You can make a cold face-mask with a towel and still watch TV.
3. Half the TV channels work half the time.
4. The internet costs $1 for 5 minutes.
5. They fumigate the rooom every month, causing dying cockroaches to drop from the ductwork that night.
6. You have a shower and foot/ankle bath simultaneously.
7. Laundry takes an hour to collect on a good day.
8. Eight hours on a bad day.
9. And it comes back sized for Action Man.
10. Half the bulbs in the hotel sign have blown.
11. You have to ask the waitresses to replenish bowls/milk/spoons/coffee cups at breakfast. Every single morning.
12. Prostitutes hiss at you from the bushes.
13. The bottom of the bed and edges of the sofa are black with grime.
14. The bathrobe is sized for a 12 year old girl.
15. The minibar is empty.
16. Walking from one part of the hotel to another involves similar levels of peril to crossing the M25.
17. Getting a full set of towels is a bonus.
18. Washing a pair of socks costs $1.60, a shirt $5.60, and a pair of trousers $9.30. Pressing is 50% extra.
19. The air conditioner sounds like a diesel engine.
20. The room rate per night is over $250. Breakfast is an additional $28. This is a basic room, prices for other rooms go beyond $1,700 per night.
Welcome to Nigeria, and the best hotel in Lagos.