Middle-Aged Women on Dating Sites

What They WriteWhat They Mean
Looking for a serious relationship.Having spent ten years fucking about, I now want men to take me seriously.
I like Italian food/travel/sunshine/music.Who doesn't? I just have no imagination whatsoever.
I might not reply straight away.I am far too busy and far too important to make the minimal effort to respond to those showing interest in me in a timely manner. How come I still haven't met anyone?
Must have good manners and be polite.I find myself attracting rude, abusive people. None of this has anything to do with my personality.
Sapiosexual.Look at how cool and edgy I am by using descriptions of myself that most people won't understand, thus proving themselves to be less enlightened than I.
I hate smokers!The lack of men in my life has led to me trawling the internet to meet strangers, but I'll throw up extra barriers anyway just to make it a bit harder.
I'm looking for someone non-judgemental.I have issues dating from childhood that were never properly dealt with, and these have led me to engage in extremely dubious sexual practices with substandard men almost non-stop since I was 16, which in turn has left me mentally scarred and not speaking to my parents. I am currently in therapy. Kindly disregard all this when considering me for a lifetime together.
Married men: no thanks!Having found myself in a demographic that overwhelmingly attracts married men looking for a bit on the side, I'll pretend they are a minor nuisance distracting me from all those single guys that are lining up around the block.
Please read my profile!Anyone who contacts me must immediately know exactly what I want, even if my profile is as contradictory and confusing as a tax declaration form.
Must have good personal hygiene.My last boyfriend stank to high heaven. I lived with him for three years anyway.
No bad habits.I will complain incessantly about every tiny thing I don't like.
No time wasters!I am incapable of compromise; only perfection will do.
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23 thoughts on “Middle-Aged Women on Dating Sites

  1. Think you left one out.
    Looking for a caring, sharing relationship – I’m after your money.

  2. Tim – must be the onset of spring that is bringing all this good stuff out!!

  3. Also, must love cats. I mean really, really adore cats, which as a species tend to the selfish, allowing them to savage birds and of course their poo stinks. I mean it really stinks. My love of furry animals excludes your loyal dog, of course.

  4. Given what most people mean by ‘music’ I can’t see being a music-lover as an attraction. To ask for someone “non-judgemental” would encourage me to keep my distance.

    When I was young the thing a girl might say that would make me flee was “I’m Sagittarius, how about you?”

  5. You’ve opened a can of worms here, Tim.

    Probably! But I’m sure it’s not much better for men’s profiles either!

  6. I’m sure it’s not much better for men’s profiles either

    I look forward to that one. When’s it due?

  7. I look forward to that one. When’s it due?

    Oh God, I don’t have enough information or experience to write that! But I am reliably informed that women get swamped with messages and photos, most of which are God-awful and half of them obscene. I’m not even sure they bother reading profiles.

  8. Women on dating sites are invariably looking for men at least 6 feet tall with full heads of hair, washboard stomachs, and pulling down brain surgeon/rocket scientist levels of income. This is known as “having standards.”

    However, if this mythical man express a preference for things like a pretty face, a trim body, or large breasts, he’s immediately called “shallow” and “a pig”.

  9. “Women on dating sites are invariably looking for men at least 6 feet tall with full heads of hair, washboard stomachs, and pulling down brain surgeon/rocket scientist levels of income. This is known as “having standards.””

    Yes, but we are all married.

  10. I used to frequent a pub in Devon which was very popular with bikers/greboes for some reason it was also very popular with the usually very attractive female art student population from the local poly,i managed to the amazement of many to get a date with one particular long legged auburn haired beauty(i’m no Brad pitt btw) anyway on the date which i thought was going quite well she told me she was a Vegan i replied jokingly i was not familiar with that planet nor it’s inhabitants,she stared at me for a few seconds called me a effing wanker and got up and left,i classed it as a close call.

  11. “brain surgeon/rocket scientist levels of income”: rocket scientists don’t make much money, love.

  12. Feel free to use these that I have lying around somewhere

    Definitions of “MEN SEEKING WOMEN” Personals
    1 40-ish 52 and looking for 25-yr-old

    2 Affectionate Needy and looking for mother-figure

    3 Artist Delicate ego badly in need of massage

    4 Athletic Sits on the couch and watches ESPN

    5 Average looking Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, and back

    6 Distinguished-looking Fat, grey, and bald

    7 Educated Will always treat you like an idiot

    8 Employed On management track at Radio Shack

    9 Financially Secure I will spend some money on you, in return for which I will expect you to obey my every whim for the duration of your mortal life.

    10 Free Spirit Sleeps with your sister

    11 Friendship first As long as friendship involves nudity

    12 Fun Good with a remote and a six pack

    13 Good looking Arrogant bastard

    14 Honest Pathological Liar

    15 Huggable Overweight, more body hair than Gentle Ben

    16 ISO Slim, attractive female Would be better off with a labrador retriever

    17 Light drinker Headed for AA

    18 Like to cuddle Insecure, overly dependent

    19 Like romantic walks on the beach I read Cosmo and think this is what you want to hear

    20 Mature Until you get to know him

    21 Open-minded Wants to sleep with your sister but she’s not interested

    22 Physically fit I spend a lot of time in front of mirrors admiring myself

    23 Poet Once wrote on a bathroom stall while constipated

    24 Professional Owns a white button down

    25 Reliable Shows up on time–give or take 3 hours

    26 Self-employed Same as for women and eat nachos all
    weekend

    27 Sensitive Needy

    28 Smart Thinks Cheers is “the wittiest show ever on TV”

    29 Spiritual Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter

    30 Stable Occasional stalker, but never arrested

    31 Thoughtful Says “Please” when demanding a beer

    32 Virile Can read 3 Penthouse Forums without passing out

    33 Young at heart Pedophile

  13. You are certainly doing a fine job of reminding me why I avoid dating sites like the plague.

  14. i replied jokingly i was not familiar with that planet nor it’s inhabitants,she stared at me for a few seconds called me a effing wanker and got up and left,i classed it as a close call.

    Indeed, it sounds as though you dodged a bullet there!

  15. @marc,

    There are some questions in life that we never need to ask because we are told the answer without needing to;

    Are you vegan?
    Do you do crossfit?
    Are you from Yorkshire/Texas/Queen’sland?

    By the way, when I was single, alarm bells would ring in my head if I discovered a date owned a Paulo Cuehlo book or a Dido CD. The 2017 version is probably anything by Adele. Not sure why today’s book might be.

  16. >rocket scientists don’t make much money, love.

    Oh, the ones who work for Elon Musk or Jeff Bezos probably do. Some of these are even single, and probably think that meeting a nice female person might be pleasant However, this is a third order issue compared to the importance of putting people on Mars, and in any event there is plenty of time because the singularity means that they will live for at least ten thousand years.

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