In anticipation of my upcoming 12 month assignment in Australia, I have prepared as follows:
1. My music collection has been purged of all artists except AC/DC.
2. I have an appointment to get a naff Southern Cross tattooed on my right shoulder blade, with the inscription Yeah, facken true blue Aussie, mate! underneath.
3. I can talk with reasonable authority about the rise and fall of Ben Cousins and Wayne Carey.
4. I can tell you the last time the NSW RL was good. Andrew Ettingshausen was still playing. Brad Fittler was on debut.
5. I have learned the lyrics to every song (i.e. both of them) by The Hunters & Collectors.
6. I know enough to refrain from pointing out that the Cold Chisel anthem Khe Sanh, sung by millions of Aussies with patriotic tears in their eyes, is actually about somebody getting *out* of Australia. Jimmy Barnes didn’t stick around.
7. I am changing my name to “Pommie Caaaaaaaant” in anticipation of being addressed thusly for the entirety of my stay.
8. I have developed an allergy for sleeves. From now on it’s beer singlets only, unless I’m at a job interview in which case a beer t-shirt is allowed for a maximum of an hour.
9. I have studied Australian law to discover that glassing your girlfriend in a nightclub is okay (especially if you are a famous footy player), but disrespecting The Don is punishable by a lengthy prison sentence.
10. From now on I will refer to all persons by the first syllable of their last name with an “o” tacked on the end.
11. On the mere sight of a bottle of Bundaberg Rum I will punch the nearest male of fighting age in the face.
12. And afterwards I’ll tell people “I had a blue”.
13. I will give Queenslanders a few minutes extra to complete their sentences.
14. I will assume that all food originated from Australia by prefixing ordinary dishes with the word “Aussie”.
15. I know that despite the best efforts of most Australian males to claim the title, there is only one “King Wally”.
16. I have learned that the pinnacle of the Australian fashion industry is called Ugg.
17. I will not point out that Australians are the only people who eat their national coat of arms.
18. The Aussie use of the word “thong” ceased to be funny to me years ago.
19. I have integrated myself into Australian culture by watching re-runs of Underbelly, so now I will not be lost when The Carlton Crew and Roberta Williams are topics of conversation.
20. I no longer recognise the island of Bali as belonging to Indonesia.
PMSL, welcome to Melbo Tim.
So True, regarding Number 1, suggest adding the local beat combo Airbourne to the list, a quick youtube will explain why.
Additionally, if you’re not familiar with it already, TNA over at
http://thenewaustralian.org/
has blazed an enviable trail in this space over the past few years.
Regards
Joe’o
10. It’s actually harder than that. You pronounce the first syllable of your friend’s name, followed by a vowel sound. Which vowel used depends on the circumstances. I think you are more a “Tim-ee” than a “Tim-O”.
18. Referring to this particular item of footwear as a “flip flop” is ridiculous. As indeed is referring to anything other than this item of footwear as a “thong”.
20. It’s kind of a shame that Australia did recognise the entire island of Timor as belonging to Indonesia for as long as we did. And really, the situation in West Papua is not great, either.
Another titbit of info, the Southern Cross flag is also known as the Aussie Swastika.
Be prepared to be re-educated on the role Captain Cook played in the discovery of Australia with some members of our indigenous folk referring to that momentous day as “Invasion Day”.
Well, you will fit right in with the university crowd that’s for sure. I don’t know about calling yourself King Wally, but there is no doubt that you are a right wally.
Mate, the list is incomplete. You’ll be dead in a month.
21. There is only one football code, Australian Rules Football.
@Joe: Thanks for the link, another commenter recommended him yesterday and I’ve added him to the blogroll.
@Michael: true about the name. I am Timmee as far as Aussies go.
@Blago: Australians have too much of a sense of humour and too thick skin to be bothered by anything I say.
haha you forgot to add ‘Learn to move lips but not actually sing when national anthem is played, cos I forgot the words years ago’.
Timbo,
As many inbound poms have found, its not what you have to learn that will fuck you up, it is what you have to unlearn. And for gawd’s sake, bring your bloody wallet with you when you go to the pub -every time, ok?
If you swim on our beaches you will probably end up on TV.
Also, our wildlife WILL kill you.
“Australians are the only people who eat their national coat of arms.”
Many countries, of course, feature no animal or only a mythical animals on their coats of arms; but some do feature animals which are eaten. For example, Andorra’s coat of arms features two cows: Andorrans eat cows. The supporters of the coat of arms of Antigua and Barbuda are two deer: do they never eat venison in Antigua and Barbuda? Botswana’s coat of arms has the head of a bull, and the supporters are two zebras: they eat eat bulls in Botswana, but I don’t know whether they eat zebra. Uruguay’s coat of arms has a horse and a cow: they eat cows in Uruguay, but I don’t know whether they eat horse.
We Australians do eat the animals which are the supporters of our coat of arms—and very tasty they are too—but I have yet to encounter anyone who has eaten the black swan, piping shrike or red lion of our arms.
RE:
No. 10.
There’s also the addition of “ie” to names, but I’m sure you’ll pick it up.
PS. I’m in Queensland so faaaarrrk off!
Suggest the following amendments
– the southern cross needs no inscription, only a dickhead would think it did!
– AFL is basically the footy code of Victoria and Tasmania, in Qld and NSW its called GayFL …. the other states dont really count.
– the name thing is a lot more complicated than you appreciate. For example Tim doesn’t translate to Timo or Timee. You have to add a b before the o to give Timbo alternatively drop the bo and add a y to give Timy.
You should also note that its not up to you what name your going to get …. its up to your mates and if they go for Timy then they are definitely making a judgment call about you thats not good.
Ok gents, don’t let on to the pommie caaaaant about the drop bears… let him figure than one out for himself.
Can’t argue with the list, you’ll fit right in… until your first drop bear incident that is…
Also, only trendy, inner city “foodie” wankers eat Kangaroo. Certainly no-one who sports a southern cross tatt!
Nobody eats Emu, apart from being protected (god knows why, the fuckers are ubiquitous) they’d taste worse than Kangaroo!
@Dan: yes, I’m going to try to avoid the Australian wildlife!
@Deadman: good points about the coat of arms!
@LeftRightOut: I’ve already been done with the drop bears joke (I fell for it), way back in Sakhalin in 2006/7. This is my first visit to Australia, but I know Australians *very* well through 1) working amongst loads of them in Sakhalin and 2) living part-time in Phuket where I spent an awful lot of time in the Aussie Bar in Bangla Road. Also, most of my neighbours in Phuket are Australian. At least when I was being subjected to the drop bears I could claim I didn’t know Aussies too well.
LRO, I’ve eaten Emu. It is worse than kangaroo by quite a bit. A very very very much more gamey flavour than wild venison. Kangaroo I’ve had in a few styles including tartare. Can’t recommend that version, in a stew it is pretty good though.
As for you Pommy Tim, don’t think caaaaant is going to cut it. You are more likely to be called a whinging pom, a pommy bastard or a pommy wanker. There will be numerous offers for a whip around to pay your fair back on the next transport.
There will be numerous offers for a whip around to pay your fair back on the next transport.
Yes, I’ve heard a subsection of Australian society want foreigners to get back on the boat and leave, we have similar people in the UK.
In the days of the ten pound pom known on your end as “Assisted Passage” there was a guy sitting on a bench at Circular Key crying. An Aussie walked up to him and asked what was wrong. He said, I came out here on an assisted passage and I don’t like it. And now I am short of money and I need a pound for my fare back home. Ever generous the Aussie took out his wallet, gave him a ten pound note and said, There you go fella, and take nine of your mates with you.
Yep, we’re a strange mob. Swim at our beaches and you risk being eaten by sharks, stung to death by poisonous jellyfish or drowned in a rip…but we all still swim there.
Go out in the bush and you can be bitten and killed by any number of venomous snakes or spiders…yet we all take our families camping out there.
And, yet, we can’t ride a pushbike without a helmet on or have a smoke in a pub. Too risky, you see.
Go figure!