Denis Donaldson

Former senior Sinn Fein member Denis Donaldson has been found shot dead in the Irish Republic.

reports the BBC.

Mr Donaldson was expelled from the party last December after admitting he was a paid British spy for 20 years.

Now there’s a surprise!!  I wonder if his life insurance policy was valid? 

I can imagine the conversation:

Royal Sun Alliance Operator (in dumb regional accent):  Okay Mr Donaldson, we have your age and medical history, now I’m going to need to ask you a few more details before we can complete the quote.

Denis Donaldson: Tae be shure!

Operator:  What is your occupation?

Donaldson:  Politician.

Operator:  Okay. Which party would that be in?

Donaldson:  Sinn Fein.

Operator:  Okay, let me just type that in …. oh!  It’s giving me a warning.  I have to ask if you are also in the IRA.  Are you also in the IRA?

Donaldson:  Tae be shure!

Operator:  Okay, are you an active member who actually does stuff, or just somebody who shoots his mouth off down the pub about his “cozzin” who is apparently in the IRA?

Donaldson:  I decide who gets bombed and when.  Active enough for ye?

Operator:   Okay, that’s fine.  So I’ll put you down as terrorist rather than politician, as it is more descriptive of your position within the company.  Okay?

Donaldson:  Tae be shure!

Operator:  So, that’s no problem.  Can we just ask who is your current employer?

Donaldson:  The British Government.

Operator:  Sorry? 

Donaldson:  Tae be shure!

Operator:  Erm, my menu for the British Government doesn’t have “Terrorist” listed as an option.  Can you explain what the fuck you do for a living?

Donaldson:  Well, I’m a politician for Sinn Fein, a terrorist in the IRA, but I secretly work for the British Government as an agent – to give them information on the IRA’s activities, i.e. my activities.

Operator:  Hmm …this could be a problem.  Hang on, let me try something.  Ah, here we go.  If I put you down as “Poltician working for the British Government”, there is an option which might describe your role: “Cheating, lying bastard out to shaft those who entrust themselves to you for your own financial gain”.  You think that describes your role?  

Donaldson:  Erm, are there any other descriptions under “Politician working for the British Government”?

Operator:  Nope. That’s it.

Donaldson:  Okay, that’ll do.  

Operator:  Now, are there any other circumstances which we should be aware of, Mr Donaldson?  You are rated as a medium risk according to our system, in slightly more peril than your average lawyer or traffic warden.

Donaldson:  Erm, well … I’m considering going on national TV in a few weeks to announce that for the past 20 years I’ve been informing the British Government on IRA activities.  Do you think that’s important?

Operator:  Well, I don’t know.  But I’d better put it in just in case.  Okay, all done!  Right, we’re just calculating your premium now, Mr Donaldson.  It won’t take a second … ah, that’s it!  £3,975,365.12 per year Mr Donaldson, and we can offer you a no-claims discount at 2% after one year if you choose to sign up with us.  Would you like to pay by direct debit?

Donaldson:  Fock!

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