I’m back in Sakhalin for two weeks, having finally managed to obtain a visa for $200 thanks\u00a0to an\u00a0efficient agent in London and my\u00a0second passport (Brits are allowed multiple passports).\u00a0 I’m here purely on holiday to catch up with friends, most of whom will themselves be leaving soon, and to see the place probably for the last time.\u00a0 I’m staying in an apartment of a friend of mine who is working up in the north of the island, and one thing I noticed when I moved in is that a few of the lightbulbs had blown.\u00a0 It is impossible to find quality lightbulbs in Sakhalin, the only ones on sale are cheap Chinese or Indonesian\u00a0junk.\u00a0 If they do not shower glass over your head when they inevitably blow you are lucky, and it is not uncommon when unscrewing a lightbulb in Sakhalin to find the metal part scorched black with carbon or the glass and metal parts separated altogether.\u00a0 Anyway, I thought it would be a nice gesture to replace the bulbs, plus reading in gloom hurts my eyes.\u00a0 However, buying lightbulbs in Russia is, as with so many other things, not quite the same as buying lightbulbs anywhere else.\u00a0 So if you ever find yourself needing to buy lightbulbs in Russia, here’s how you do it:<\/p>\n
1.\u00a0 Go to a hardware store.
\n2.\u00a0 Approach glass counter underneath which four dozen different lightbulbs are arranged in a grid, each with a label underneath.
\n3.\u00a0 Wait at counter in the hope of some assistance.
\n4.\u00a0 Grow a beard.
\n5.\u00a0 Take note of the six or seven staff loafing about nearby doing nothing, all of whom ignore you completely.
\n6.\u00a0 Identify the man in charge of lightbulb sales, wait for him to finish serving other customer.\u00a0 By this time, beard will have grown completely and you may shave and start again.
\n7.\u00a0 Greet the man in charge of lightbulbs cheerfully, show him existing, broken lightbulb and ask for 15 new ones exactly like it.
\n8.\u00a0 Wait for the man in charge of lightbulbs to write your order on a scrap of paper.
\n9.\u00a0 Head for Kiosk No. 3 and wait in line.
\n10.\u00a0 Trim beard.
\n11.\u00a0 Hand kiosk girl scrap of paper.
\n12.\u00a0 Ask kiosk girl to repeat herself, preferably using the type of Russian found in textbooks.
\n13.\u00a0 Hand over money, receive change and receipt.
\n14.\u00a0 Take receipt to man in charge of lightbulbs.
\n15.\u00a0 Wait for him to finish serving other customer.
\n16.\u00a0 Collect lightbulbs and slightly torn receipt from man in charge of lightbulbs.
\n17.\u00a0 Go home, attempt to install lightbulbs.
\n18.\u00a0 Realise man in charge of lightbulbs has given you the ones with a fat screw end rather than thin screw end.
\n19.\u00a0 Judge shop to be closing in few minutes, with distance too far to cover in available time.
\n20.\u00a0 Watch sunset, attend local nightspot, get hammered, sleep.
\n21.\u00a0 Return to hardware store.
\n22.\u00a0 Approach glass counter underneath which four dozen different lightbulbs are arranged in a grid, each with a label underneath.
\n23.\u00a0 Wait for the man in charge of lightbulbs to finish serving other customer.
\n24.\u00a0 Stroke beard, now at chest-length.
\n25.\u00a0 Explain problem to man in charge of lightbulbs.
\n26.\u00a0 Thank Christ man in charge of lightbulbs remembers you and accepts your receipt.
\n27.\u00a0 Watch man in charge of lightbulbs disappear behind some doors.
\n28.\u00a0 Wait for man in charge of lightbulbs to return with a form in his hand. Beard.
\n29.\u00a0 Watch man in charge of lightbulbs fill out the form, which is in three parts, takes up an entire sheet of A4, and is ludicrously complex.
\n30.\u00a0 Provide passport details when asked.\u00a0 Seriously.
\n31.\u00a0 Sign completed form in two places.
\n32.\u00a0 Take signed form, slightly torn and now scribbled-on receipt, and random scrap of paper to Kiosk No. 3 and wait in line.
\n33.\u00a0 Shave, recommence beard growing.
\n34.\u00a0 Hand kiosk girl signed form, slightly torn and now scribbled-on receipt, and random scrap of paper.
\n35.\u00a0 Cover ears as kiosk girl bellows for man in charge of lightbulbs to come to her kiosk.
\n36.\u00a0 Listen to heated exchange between man in charge of lightbulbs and kiosk girl, the latter being unhappy that the form only contains my passport number instead of all passport details and my address.
\n37.\u00a0 Receive receipt from kiosk girl.
\n38.\u00a0 Take receipt to man in charge of lightbulbs.
\n39.\u00a0 Collect lightbulbs and slightly torn receipt.
\n40.\u00a0 Go home, install 8 lightbulbs.
\n41.\u00a0 Wait 3 hours.
\n42.\u00a0 Replace 2 blown lightbulbs.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I’m back in Sakhalin for two weeks, having finally managed to obtain a visa for $200 thanks\u00a0to an\u00a0efficient agent in London and my\u00a0second passport (Brits are allowed multiple passports).\u00a0 I’m here purely on holiday to catch up with friends, most … Continue reading