{"id":373,"date":"2008-08-14T07:52:17","date_gmt":"2008-08-14T03:52:17","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.desertsun.co.uk\/blog\/?p=373"},"modified":"2008-08-15T09:53:18","modified_gmt":"2008-08-15T05:53:18","slug":"the-sakhalin-olympics","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.desertsun.co.uk\/blog\/373\/","title":{"rendered":"The Sakhalin Olympics"},"content":{"rendered":"

With the Olympic\u00a0Games\u00a0in full flight in Beijing, one would be forgiven for thinking that the residents of Sakhalin Island are too\u00a0remote and out of touch to follow all the action.\u00a0\u00a0But\u00a0nothing\u00a0could be further from the truth.\u00a0 So enthralled are the Sakhaliners with the excitement of the games, we decided to hold our own version.\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

Event 1.\u00a0 Meeting Marathon<\/strong><\/p>\n

Contestants gather in a conference room and hold a meeting.\u00a0\u00a0The team which\u00a0can drag the meeting out for the longest wins.\u00a0 Anybody who is caught advancing the agenda or\u00a0making a relevant point is given a 2 minute penalty deduction.\u00a0 Any team caught making a decision will be immediately disqualified.\u00a0 Tactics to be encouraged include demanding the previous Meeting Marathon is run again for the benefit of athletes who missed out last time, constantly\u00a0trying\u00a0to get athletes who are not present to participate, and inviting athletes who are supposed to be\u00a0competing in a completely different event.<\/p>\n

Prediction:<\/strong><\/em>\u00a0\u00a0The Netherlands to win gold with ease, silver and bronze go to Russia.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Event 2.\u00a0 Modern Biathlon<\/strong><\/p>\n

Stage\u00a01:<\/em><\/strong> Upon arrival at Yuzhno-Sakhalinsk international airport, contestants must immediately set about finding a Russian\u00a0mistress who declares her love for him.\u00a0 Points are awarded according to the following criteria:<\/p>\n

i) 1 point if declaration of love occurs before first rotation.\u00a0 2 points if before HR induction.\u00a0\u00a0Athletes are\u00a0deemed to be out of time if declaration of love has not come before\u00a0first expense report is paid, or\u00a0before\u00a0death through old age, whichever is sooner.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n

ii) 1\u00a0point if the age difference is greater than 20 years,\u00a02 points if the\u00a0mistress is younger than the athlete’s daughter.\u00a0 Athletes are disqualified\u00a0if the age gap is less than 5 years.\u00a0<\/p>\n

iii) 1 point if a designer handbag bought for the\u00a0mistress is Louis Vuitton.\u00a0 Athletes are disqualified if any handbag bought is fake, and her mates point this out.<\/p>\n

iv) 1 point if the\u00a0mistress was\u00a0discovered in a place other than the Kona Bar, Lounge 8, Cippolinis, or at work.\u00a0 Athletes who present their department translator,\u00a0lubricated\u00a0with promises of promotion and pay rises, as a mistress in this event are immediately disqualified.<\/p>\n

v) 2\u00a0points if the mistress does not smile for the entire event,\u00a0unless on production of large wads of cash by the athlete.\u00a0\u00a03 points if the mistress screams at the athlete in a public place.\u00a0 Athletes are immediately disqualified if the judges receive evidence, or even a rumour, that the mistress paid for something herself.<\/p>\n

Stage\u00a02:<\/em><\/strong> Upon returning from first rotation, contestants must set about getting a divorce from their existing wife and moving in with the mistress as quickly as possible.\u00a0 Disqualification may occur in one or more of the following instances:<\/p>\n

i) Judges receive evidence that mistress has been in the company of\u00a0more than one\u00a0athlete following or during Stage 1.<\/p>\n

ii) Divorce results in loss of house or cash value exceeding $100,000 in favour of ex-wife.<\/p>\n

iii) Mistress’s\u00a0mother moves\u00a0in along\u00a0with mistress.<\/p>\n

iv) Previously unknown husband of mistress turns up during the event.<\/p>\n

Prediction:<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0Great Britain to\u00a0win\u00a0gold by a mile, Australia a distant second with silver, and the USA bronze.\u00a0 63 British athletes disqualified in Stage 2 alone.<\/p>\n

Event 3.\u00a0 Paper Chase<\/strong><\/p>\n

Various teams compete to see who can process 10 standard\u00a0forms the fastest.<\/p>\n

Prediction:\u00a0<\/strong><\/em>Immigration\u00a0Department to\u00a0narrowly break\u00a0previous world record of 11\u00a0weeks and\u00a03 days taking gold, HR department puts in a disappointing performance to win silver after 4 months, bronze medal goes unclaimed as event continues indefinitely.<\/p>\n

Event 4.\u00a0 2-Mile Taxi Steeplechase<\/strong><\/p>\n

Contestants\u00a0start off at various places in Yuzhno-Sakhalinsk.\u00a0\u00a0On a given signal, they must race to the Pacific Plaza Hotel, pick up three drunken expats, and rush them to Chast’e nightclub as fast as possible.\u00a0 Event takes place on a\u00a0Saturday night.\u00a0 Drivers are disqualified if they fail to meet all the\u00a0following criteria:<\/p>\n

i) Journey must be completed without driver wearing seatbelt.<\/p>\n

ii) Vehicle must have a huge crack across the windscreen.<\/p>\n

iii) Driver must smoke at least two cigarettes\u00a0during event.<\/p>\n

iv) Driver must make at least one phone call.<\/p>\n

v) Driver must negotiate at least\u00a0two enormous, water-filled potholes, and\u00a0one junction where the traffic lights are knocked out.<\/p>\n

A 10-second penalty is\u00a0imposed on any driver whose vehicle has tread on the tyres.\u00a0 Drivers with vehicles with the steering wheel on the correct side are immediately disqualified.<\/p>\n

Prediction:\u00a0 <\/em><\/strong>Russia to take gold thanks to superior local knowledge, Azerbaijan to take silver, Uzbekistan to take bronze having lost valuable time trying to scam passengers out of an extra 100 Roubles.<\/p>\n

Event 5.\u00a0 Bear Baiting<\/strong><\/p>\n

Contestants head into the woods and river banks of Sakhalin Island and pick as many berries and catch as many fish as possible over a 2-day period.\u00a0 Athletes are encouraged to sneak quietly around whilst doing so, only making noise when running around a corner or over a ridge in a startling manner.\u00a0 Whoever returns with the most berries and fish is the winner.<\/p>\n

Prediction:<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0 Large bear to take the athletes, berries, and fish.<\/p>\n

Event 6.\u00a0 \u00a0Drinking and Fighting<\/strong><\/p>\n

Contestants drink and fight.\u00a0 Points are awarded for drinking and fighting skills.\u00a0 Event to take place in nominated bars around Yuzhno-Sakhalinsk, possibly\u00a0at the same time as\u00a0Event 4.<\/p>\n

Prediction:<\/em><\/strong> Ireland to win gold,\u00a0Russia to win silver, Great Britain to win bronze.<\/p>\n

Event 7.\u00a0 Paper Generation<\/strong><\/p>\n

Contestants attempt to generate as much paper as possible in a three-day period.\u00a0 Bonus points are awarded for papers being notarised, legalised, translated, stamped, tied with string,\u00a0duplicated, triplicated,\u00a0and lost.\u00a0 Points are deducted for any piece of paper which contains useful information or serves a purpose.<\/p>\n

Prediction:<\/em><\/strong> Russia to win gold, silver taken by international team of HSE representatives, bronze goes to the Netherlands.<\/p>\n

Event 8.\u00a0 Procedure Untangling<\/strong><\/p>\n

Contestants are presented with a procedure selected at random from an international\u00a0oil company and are required to:<\/p>\n

i) Describe what it is for.<\/p>\n

ii) Describe why it is useful.<\/p>\n

iii) Describe the mentality of the person who wrote it without using the f-word.<\/p>\n

iv) Describe how it is supposed to be implemented.<\/p>\n

v) Describe a situation where it was used as intended.<\/p>\n

Prediction:<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0 Event cancelled due to inability of any contestant to finish.<\/p>\n

Event 9.\u00a0 Medical\u00a0Pentathlon<\/strong><\/p>\n

Each contestant is lined up at the entrance to the HR department.\u00a0\u00a0Upon an email notification, athletes sprint to the ISOS clinic and compete in\u00a05 events.\u00a0 Anyone found to be using prohibited substances is disqualified.<\/p>\n

Stage 1:\u00a0 <\/strong><\/em>Urinate exactly 25ml into a cup as fast as possible.\u00a0 Points are deducted if urine is not taken from middle of stream.<\/p>\n

Stage 2:<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0 Give as much blood as possible.\u00a0 Points are deducted if nurse cannot find a vein or blood contains more alcohol than haemoglobin.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Stage 3:<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0Athletes compete to\u00a0convince a doctor\u00a0they are\u00a0free from leprosy, bubonic plague, and other medieval diseases in as short a time as possible.\u00a0 Points are deducted if exposure of the genitals is necessary.<\/p>\n

Stage 4:<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0 Jerk legs in upward direction when knees are whacked with a hammer.\u00a0 Points are awarded for upward velocity, graceful trajectory of feet, and highest point of arc.<\/p>\n

Stage 5:<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0 Athletes\u00a0expose themselves to\u00a0an archaic x-ray machine for as long as they dare.\u00a0 Athletes\u00a0are stripped of medals if later found to be sterile.<\/p>\n

Prediction:\u00a0 <\/em><\/strong>USA to win gold, Great Britain and Australia disqualified.<\/p>\n

Event 10.\u00a0 Baggage Handling<\/strong><\/p>\n

Contestants start in the baggage\u00a0retrieval area at Yuzhno-Sakhalinsk international airport, and upon the arrival of a decrepit old truck piled high with suitcases which are hurled onto the carousel, athletes compete to locate their bag, drag it from the carousel, locate the tag and show it to the grumpy old troll blocking the door, and send it through the x-ray machine in the fastest time possible.\u00a0 The clock stops when bag and athlete spill through the door into the airport concourse.\u00a0 Extra points will be awarded to athletes who help keep the carousel clear of bags so that more may be hurled on.\u00a0 A\u00a0lost baggage tag results in instant disqualification.<\/p>\n

Prediction:\u00a0 <\/em><\/strong>Total chaos.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

With the Olympic\u00a0Games\u00a0in full flight in Beijing, one would be forgiven for thinking that the residents of Sakhalin Island are too\u00a0remote and out of touch to follow all the action.\u00a0\u00a0But\u00a0nothing\u00a0could be further from the truth.\u00a0 So enthralled are the Sakhaliners … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[3,5],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.desertsun.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/373"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.desertsun.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.desertsun.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.desertsun.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.desertsun.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=373"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/www.desertsun.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/373\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.desertsun.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=373"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.desertsun.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=373"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.desertsun.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=373"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}