{"id":193,"date":"2006-08-17T12:26:42","date_gmt":"2006-08-17T08:26:42","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.desertsun.co.uk\/blog\/?p=193"},"modified":"2006-08-17T17:37:08","modified_gmt":"2006-08-17T13:37:08","slug":"engineering-consultants-standing-orders","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.desertsun.co.uk\/blog\/193\/","title":{"rendered":"Engineering Consultants’ Standing Orders"},"content":{"rendered":"

(Based on Rogers’ Rangers Standing Orders<\/a>)\u00a0<\/p>\n

1.\u00a0 Don’t sign nothing.<\/p>\n

2.\u00a0 Have your CV clean as a whistle, job market scoured, 30 days notice given, and be ready to quit the project at a minute’s warning.<\/p>\n

3.\u00a0 When you’re late with a report, act the way you would if you was sneaking up on a deer.\u00a0 See the enemy first.<\/p>\n

4.\u00a0 Lie through your arse about what you see and what you do.\u00a0 There is a finance department depending on you to\u00a0satisfy the client.\u00a0 You can\u00a0tell the truth\u00a0all you please to other consultants on the job, but don’t ever tell the truth to clients or senior management.<\/p>\n

5.\u00a0 Don’t ever\u00a0write a report\u00a0you don’t have to.<\/p>\n

6.\u00a0 When we write reports, we do it together, so technical errors cannot be pinned on one man.<\/p>\n

7.\u00a0 If we get caught producing dodgy reports, we spread out onto other projects around the world, so it is harder to track us.<\/p>\n

8.\u00a0 When we work, we keep working till dark, so as to give us more hours to bill the client.<\/p>\n

9.\u00a0 When we attend a meeting,\u00a0the Project Manager\u00a0stays awake while the rest sleep.<\/p>\n

10.\u00a0 If\u00a0the auditors come round, we keep ’em separate till we have had time to bullshit them, so they can’t get the true picture\u00a0between ’em.<\/p>\n

11.\u00a0 Don’t ever work for the same client more than once.\u00a0 Work for different companies so they won’t get wise to you.<\/p>\n

12.\u00a0 No matter whether we work on big projects or little ones, each project has to support at least one useless bastard in the team, one equally useless bastard sitting in the regional support office, and\u00a0no fewer than\u00a0four completely useless bastards employed at company headquarters.<\/p>\n

13.\u00a0 Every morning you’ll be told where to find another job if the client throws you off the project.<\/p>\n

14.\u00a0 Don’t sit down to eat without making sure it can be put on expenses.<\/p>\n

15.\u00a0 Don’t sleep beyond midday.\u00a0 The client will be expecting you to show up every now and again.<\/p>\n

16.\u00a0 Don’t enter the office by\u00a0a regular\u00a0door.<\/p>\n

17.\u00a0 If somebody is\u00a0identifying glaring\u00a0errors in your work, make a circle, turn it all around, and accuse the person who is onto you as being technically incompetent.<\/p>\n

18.\u00a0 Don’t stand up when the client is coming.\u00a0 Lie down, crouch down, hide behind the desk.<\/p>\n

19.\u00a0 Let the deadline come until it’s almost close enough to touch, then deliver some half-arsed report you’ve pinched from somebody else, move onto another project, and leave a graduate trainee to finish it off.<\/p>\n

(Thanks to “Leisure Suit” Larry Barrow for the idea.)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

(Based on Rogers’ Rangers Standing Orders)\u00a0 1.\u00a0 Don’t sign nothing. 2.\u00a0 Have your CV clean as a whistle, job market scoured, 30 days notice given, and be ready to quit the project at a minute’s warning. 3.\u00a0 When you’re late … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[17],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.desertsun.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/193"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.desertsun.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.desertsun.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.desertsun.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.desertsun.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=193"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/www.desertsun.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/193\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.desertsun.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=193"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.desertsun.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=193"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.desertsun.co.uk\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=193"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}