…they’d\u00a0be something like this.<\/p>\n
Waiter: <\/strong>Evening sir!\u00a0 Are you ready to order?<\/p>\n Customer: <\/strong>Yes…I’d like the fillet steak please, done rare.\u00a0 And a bottle of your red Chateaux Neuf de Pape to go with it.<\/p>\n Waiter: <\/strong>(scribbling away) <\/em>No problem, sir. (Starts calculating something in his head, scribbles something down on a small piece of paper)<\/em> There you go, sir.<\/p>\n Customer: <\/strong>What the fuck is this?<\/p>\n Waiter: <\/strong>That’s our invoice for a 10% advance payment, sir.\u00a0 We’d like you to pay it now so we can start preparing your meal.<\/p>\n Customer:\u00a0<\/strong>What the….? (overcoming his initial surprise, anger rising rapidly)<\/em>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n Waiter: <\/strong>(hastily)<\/em> Okay, forget it.\u00a0 Fillet steak…rare…okay, no problem.<\/p>\n (An hour later)<\/em><\/p>\n Customer: <\/strong>Look,\u00a0what’s the delay?\u00a0 I’m getting hungry.\u00a0<\/p>\n Waiter: <\/strong>Sorry sir, we’ll have your steak for you in a jiffy.<\/p>\n (An hour later)<\/em><\/p>\n Customer: <\/strong>Listen, this is getting ridiculous!\u00a0 I ordered a steak two hours ago, where the hell is it?<\/p>\n Waiter: <\/strong>It’ll be right with you, sorry about the delay, sir.<\/p>\n (An hour later)<\/em><\/p>\n Customer: <\/strong>Right, where’s the manager here?!!\u00a0 This is a bloody joke!\u00a0 I ordered a steak three hours ago and…<\/p>\n Waiter: <\/strong>Here’s your steak, sir! (plonks a lamb chop\u00a0in front of the diner)\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n Customer: <\/strong>What the fuck is this?\u00a0 This isn’t a steak!!\u00a0 This is a bloody lamb chop!!<\/p>\n Waiter: <\/strong>Eh?\u00a0 No it’s not, it’s a steak.<\/p>\n Customer: <\/strong>Listen, you twat.\u00a0 I know the difference between a steak and a lamb chop, and this is a lamb chop! Now get me my steak!!<\/p>\n Waiter: <\/strong>At once, sir.\u00a0 (beats a hasty retreat, muttering under his breath)<\/em><\/p>\n (An hour later)<\/em><\/p>\n Customer: <\/strong>Dammit, you bunch of idiots!!!\u00a0 Where’s my steak?!\u00a0 Are you killing the cow, or what?<\/p>\n Waiter: <\/strong>Here we go sir, one steak coming up! (plonks a hamburger in front of the diner)\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n Customer:<\/strong> Jesus wept!\u00a0 Does this look like\u00a0a steak to you?<\/p>\n Waiter: <\/strong>(deadpan) <\/em>Yes, sir.\u00a0 That is a steak.<\/p>\n Customer: <\/strong>No, you twat.\u00a0 It is a hamburger.\u00a0 Not a steak.\u00a0 An effing hamburger.<\/p>\n Waiter: <\/strong>(still deadpan) <\/em>Oh.\u00a0 Sorry sir.\u00a0 I’ll change it for you.<\/p>\n Customer: <\/strong>Forget it.\u00a0 I’m not sitting here waiting for a steak any longer.\u00a0 I’m starving and I’ll eat this hamburger.<\/p>\n Waiter: <\/strong>Okay!\u00a0 Enjoy your meal, sir. (turns to leave)<\/em><\/p>\n Customer:<\/strong> Hang on, sonny!\u00a0 Where is my wine?\u00a0 I ordered that hours ago, and haven’t seen it.\u00a0 Chateaux Neuf de Pape, red, 1968, remember?<\/p>\n Waiter: <\/strong>Certainly sir, I’ve got the bottle right here.\u00a0 Allow me to pour?<\/p>\n Customer: <\/strong>Whoa!\u00a0 Hold it?\u00a0 What the hell is that?\u00a0 That’s not Chateaux Neuf de Pape!\u00a0 That’s some plonk with a screw cap from the offy next door!\u00a0 It’s still got the sticker on!<\/p>\n Waiter: <\/strong>Well, yes.\u00a0 But it is recommended by our wine waiter, sir.<\/p>\n Customer: <\/strong>What?\u00a0 I don’t give a fuck what your wine waiter recommends, I’ll\u00a0drink what I damned well please!<\/p>\n Waiter: <\/strong>Well, that’s the catch.\u00a0 Thing is, I’ve been issued a directive by our wine waiter to sell you this bottle and nothing else.<\/p>\n Customer: <\/strong>Let me see this damned wine waiter.\u00a0 Bring him out here, now!<\/p>\n Waiter: <\/strong>That I cannot do, sir.\u00a0 I’m dreadfully sorry.\u00a0 He’s actually in Kazakhstan taking care of another diner.\u00a0 He told me to do this by email.<\/p>\n Customer: <\/strong>So let me get this straight.\u00a0 Your wine waiter is some expert on wines who travels the world telling people he has never met what wines they must drink when they are in your restaurants?<\/p>\n Waiter: <\/strong>Oh, no sir.\u00a0 You’ve got it all wrong.\u00a0 Our wine waiter is not an expert on wines.\u00a0 In fact, he hasn’t got a clue.\u00a0 He’s a carpenter.<\/p>\n Customer:<\/strong> (mouth gaping) <\/em>Your wine waiter is a carpenter?<\/p>\n Waiter: <\/strong>That’s right, sir.\u00a0 The problem is, our original wine waiter left 3 years ago after he fell out with his boss, who too left shortly afterwards.\u00a0 That boss replaced him with a subcontractor who didn’t know much about wines, but did know a lot about cider apples.\u00a0 We figured that was close enough.\u00a0 But when the\u00a0new boss came in, he changed his contract without\u00a0discussing it, so\u00a0the replacement wine waiter walked out.\u00a0 This was in the middle of a\u00a0banquet, and the only bloke\u00a0around to take over in an emergency was the fella who had come to flog some barrels to the cider-apple guy, who had just walked out.\u00a0 Now, this was two years ago and you have to understand that\u00a0at that time…<\/p>\n Customer:<\/strong> (screaming) <\/em>Shut up!\u00a0 Just shut the fuck up!!\u00a0 Who is the manager here?\u00a0 I want to see him, now!<\/p>\n Waiter: <\/strong>Okay, but you’re going to have to wait a bit.\u00a0 The manager isn’t here at the moment.<\/p>\n Customer:<\/strong> What?\u00a0 Where is he?<\/p>\n Waiter: <\/strong>Erm, he’s next door.\u00a0 In the cinema.<\/p>\n Customer:<\/strong> What the fuck is he doing there?<\/p>\n Waiter: <\/strong>He’s the manager there.\u00a0 Really good one, actually.\u00a0 You see, he’s managed cinemas in 17 cities across the world, and never has there been a complaint about him.\u00a0 He’s the best we’ve got, I’ll go and get him. (runs out the door)<\/em><\/p>\n Customer:<\/strong> (repeatedly smashes head against table top)<\/em><\/p>\n Waiter: <\/strong>I’m back! See, I’ve got the manager.\u00a0 Now you can talk to him.<\/p>\n Customer:<\/strong> Are you the person in charge here?\u00a0 Are you responsible for this clusterfuck you call a restaurant?\u00a0 The guy from the cinema?<\/p>\n Manager:<\/strong>\u00a0 Me?\u00a0 No, not me.\u00a0<\/strong>I’m the business development manager.\u00a0 Now, I understand you ordered our steak and Chateaux Neuf de Pape 1968.\u00a0 Exellent choice sir, excellent choice.\u00a0 May I interest you in our dessert menu?\u00a0 We\u00a0do a\u00a0wonderful strawberry cheesecake…\u00a0<\/p>\n Customer:<\/strong> (on his feet, bellowing at the top of his lungs)<\/em> Get this fuckwit out of my face!!\u00a0 (turning to the waiter) <\/em>Go and get the person who is in charge!<\/p>\n (Business development manager slinks out of the door, 12 dessert menus left on table; waiter runs out seconds later.)<\/em><\/p>\n (An hour later.\u00a0 A fat man walks into the restaurant, sits down in front of the diner, who is preparing to slit his wrists with the\u00a0redundant steak knife)<\/em><\/p>\n Fat Man:<\/strong>\u00a0 Ah, you must be the diner who we have been working for.\u00a0 Okay, I’m the finance manager of the region.\u00a0 Can I be of some assistance?<\/p>\n Customer:<\/strong> Thank God!\u00a0 Somebody who is not a complete fuckwit! (proceeds to tell the whole story from start to finish, gesturing wildly as he does so; finance manager listens on with interest, taking notes)<\/em><\/p>\n Finance manager: <\/strong>Hmm…So, from what I can gather we have taken an order from you, and then spent … (looking at his watch) … <\/em>5 hours waiting on you and preparing your food.\u00a0 Thing is, our cash flow is pretty crap at the moment, and we need some money before we can complete your order and serve it to you.\u00a0 We’ve already spent a few hundred quid on up-front costs such as tablecloths, knives, forks, etc. and thus far you’ve not paid us a penny.\u00a0 So, I brought this invoice along for 33% of the price of the steak and the wine.\u00a0 Now, please can you pay this now so we can complete your meal?<\/p>\n Customer:<\/strong> (having had his head in his hands all the way through, he looks up)\u00a0 <\/em>You can stick that invoice where the sun doesn’t shine, matey.\u00a0 Screw your steak and screw your wine, I’ll finish my burger and I’ll be gone.<\/p>\n (The finance manager leaves, muttering under his breath about bloody clients screwing the suppliers)<\/em><\/p>\n (Customer bites into burger, spits it out immediately, bits of cardboard flying across the table)<\/em><\/p>\n (The waiter returns with the cinema manager in tow)<\/em><\/p>\n Customer:<\/strong> (to the manager) <\/em>Right, sit down here!\u00a0 I want to talk to you.\u00a0 Firstly, never have I experienced such incompetence and idiocy until I set foot in this establishment, and about five minutes ago I thought it could never be surpassed.\u00a0 But then I found my burger was made of bloody cardboard!\u00a0 How the hell do you explain that?<\/p>\n Manager:<\/strong> Don’t ask me. I’ve never been in here before.\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n Customer:<\/strong> What the fuck?\u00a0 Then who cooks the food? Who the hell is back there in the kitchen?\u00a0(gets up and storms into the kitchen, and sees\u00a0only\u00a0two chimpanzees\u00a0playing cards\u00a0at a table; the customer\u00a0crashes back through to the\u00a0dining area)<\/em>\u00a0<\/p>\n Customer: <\/strong>What the hell are two chimpanzees doing in there?\u00a0 Where\u00a0is your chef, the one who was supposed to be cooking my steak?\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n Manager:<\/strong> Like I said, I have no idea.\u00a0\u00a0 My predecessor recruited all the kitchen staff here, but he walked out last month.\u00a0 In the meantime, the waiter’s been in charge.<\/p>\n Waiter: <\/strong>Yeah, that’s right.\u00a0 The chimpanzees are the chefs.\u00a0 Didn’t you see their hats?\u00a0 I know some people complain that we don’t have human chefs, but they work out a lot cheaper this way.\u00a0 Listen, if you want food to be cooked on the premises,\u00a0we must\u00a0use chimpanzees or we can’t compete.\u00a0 Okay,\u00a0we could\u00a0subcontract all the cooking part to outsiders in India, but if we do that we can’t offer such a good service.\u00a0 They’ll be delays and stuff, and we are a customer-focussed restaurant who deliver the highest quality of service and food.<\/p>\n Customer:<\/strong> Fuck this.\u00a0 I’m out of here.\u00a0 (gets up to leave)<\/em><\/p>\n Waiter: <\/strong>Erm, you need to settle your bill, sir.\u00a0 According to my note pad, you ordered a fillet steak and a bottle of Chateaux Neuf de Pape, plus you have also eaten part of a hamburger.\u00a0 That comes to \u00a3143, plus the bananas for the chimpanzees are reimbursable, which brings it up to a total of \u00a3152.\u00a0 Would you like to pay cash?<\/p>\n (Customer, shaking with rage, screws the bill up into a tiny ball, hurls it on the floor, and storms out into the street, never to be seen again until the business development manager visits him\u00a0at his home two weeks later, armed\u00a0with a dessert menu)<\/em><\/p>\n (Thanks to “Leisure Suit” Larry Barrow for much of the inspiration behind this.)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" …they’d\u00a0be something like this. Waiter: Evening sir!\u00a0 Are you ready to order? Customer: Yes…I’d like the fillet steak please, done rare.\u00a0 And a bottle of your red Chateaux Neuf de Pape to go with it. Waiter: (scribbling away) No problem, … Continue reading