59 Flake

Years ago when I was a young, single man beginning my career in the oil industry, I was introduced to a rather attractive woman a few years younger than me who was sort of on holiday. In the circumstances of our meeting we were the only two people in our twenties while everyone else was over fifty, so naturally we got on quite well. That evening the two of us went to a nightclub, and for some reason I brought a Canadian soldier along too. We got horrendously drunk which culminated with the girl lying unconscious on my bathroom floor while I explained to the disappointed soldier that she’s getting the spare bed and he has a choice of the sofa or the other half of my pit.

The next morning she woke up with a major hangover and went home. That afternoon she called me and said she wanted to go out again, and in the evening we did. We got on very well and, as I may have already mentioned, she was rather good looking. To cut a long story short we ended up back at mine, sans Canadian soldier. From that point on this girl gave every impression she’d fallen for me and wanted a relationship. She said I was awesome, and she’d never met someone like me before, and when she left to visit London the next day she said she needed to come back ASAP and I ought to get myself over to the US pronto. Over the next couple of weeks we exchanged emails, messages, and talked on the phone. Every indication was that she had found someone she wanted a relationship with. This put her on much the same page as me. By chance I found myself on a business trip in London while she was still there and we met up. It was brilliant. She was delighted to see me, we ran all over town, and had as much fun as two twentysomethings can have when they’re falling in love. The next day she was going back to the US, and she said she’d be back out to where I was living soon. I kissed her goodbye in her hotel lobby, sure I’d see her again.

For the first week she was back in the US, we spoke every day. And then suddenly she didn’t pick up her phone, and she started taking longer to answer messages. I knew something was wrong and then, just like that, she lost interest. We exchanged a few emails and broke up, leaving me more than a little disappointed. I wrote it off to the pitfalls of a holiday romance – which it was for her – but it wasn’t the practicalities of a long-distance relationship which had put her off.

I was connected with her on Facebook and I watched over the next couple of years as she’d move to a new town, get together with a young man who’d gush all over her, then suddenly quit and move elsewhere. There was a musician in London who went from posting artsy photos of them kissing against a wall to increasingly desperate messages about where she’s gone and what the hell just happened. She turned up for a while dressed like a Mormon in the family pictures of a new boyfriend, before they were all taken down.

I caught up with her six years after our first meeting via the same people who’d introduced us. I was heavily involved with someone else by then, so there was no question of retracing my steps. We got along fine and didn’t bring up the past, but she did talk a lot about her amazing boyfriend who, from what I remember, was a DJ with a severe drug addiction and mental problems. A few years later she passed through town again, and we arranged to meet up. By then she was with another boyfriend, and I waited for her to confirm the meeting time until it got so late I went to bed. She later apologised to say she got “caught up in a vibe” (by now she was over thirty) but I suspect her boyfriend objected to her meeting me.

Because we have mutual friends I still know what she’s up to. She seems to be doing well but she’s still single, and she’d be in her late thirties by now. What this experience taught me is that there are women out there who say they want a relationship but don’t. For whatever reason, this girl – despite being pretty, smart, fun, and from a good family – didn’t want to commit to a relationship. Which is fair enough, but she said she did. I was there when she assured me she was ready for a relationship, and using flattery and much talk of a future together she convinced my skeptical side that she was serious. And then I watched her do the same to a succession of other men. She’d put in considerable work to enter a relationship with a man, and at the moment he’s fully committed dump him citing trivial reasons and move on. It seemed like an exhausting way to live, constantly seeking attention and the thrill of a new relationship but never taking it further.

What I never forgot was how I just knew, immediately, that the relationship was going cold. It’s hard to put a finger on it, but the subtle changes in the tone of her voice, the length and vocabulary of her text messages, and the delays in responding sounded a warning. No matter what else I told myself, I knew something was wrong and the relationship would end.

I mention this now because I found myself in a similar situation recently. I happened to meet someone who was adamant she wanted a serious relationship and pulled out all the stops over the course of a month to convince me I was the one it should be with. No sooner had I agreed when I noticed an odd delay in our correspondence from her side and a reply which should have been a touch longer. I knew what was coming. Twenty-four hours later she’d called it off for unspecified reasons and refused to talk to me any more. When pushed, she resorted to insults and blocking. Now there were red flags fluttering high in the breeze from the very first moment in this particular case, and I wasn’t daft enough to go in with my eyes closed: I just decided it might be worth a shot and I didn’t have much to lose. But the most telling of these was that over the course of about two years she had been on dates (of one kind or another) with 58 different men. I was the 59th. She was pretty, clever, and not an obvious nut (at least initially), but that statistic alone speaks volumes. This is not a case of her needing to meet the right man, but addressing the issues keeping her single.

Clearly there are women out there (and probably men too) who say they want a relationship and go to considerable lengths to find a partner, but for whatever reason can’t make the commitment and bail at the first opportunity. So here’s my question. Do they realise they spend half their time lying to people, or have they convinced themselves they’re genuinely interested in meeting someone? I get the impression it’s the latter. It’s an odd world, isn’t it?

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46 thoughts on “59 Flake

  1. I have a very similar story (and I’m sure most do). A girl I went on ~3 dates with (and it got fairly serious really quickly as we really hit it off) who called it off as she started properly dating someone else. Then gets back in touch with me 6 months later saying she made a mistake and wanted to see me again (having then split up with the other guy). I was cautious so made her properly put in work to see me (e.g. I would grab breakfast near my office after my morning gym sessions so I said I would be there and she could join, which she proceeded to do 3 times a week for a few weeks in a row (note: this was nowhere near her own office so it was a proper effort commitment required) before I then took her on a proper date. Of course after a few proper dates and us becoming actually committed to each other she calls it off and moves away. Starts looking to be seriously involved with some other guy in her new area (full social media blitz) before complete silence again and another location move.

    Some just aren’t cut out for commitment no matter what they say. They need to be more honest with themselves about who they are.

  2. And then they get old and they have nobody. Growing old on their own and its the guys fault for being bastards.

  3. I was cautious so made her properly put in work to see me

    This is what makes it fascinating. It’s not like they hook up with some guy in a bar and then dump him: they go to serious effort before calling it off. The latest woman actually introduced me to her son by way of an elaborate pantomime involving the boy’s aunt. As a buddy said, why go to all that effort just to call it off? It must get awfully tiring for their friends, assuming they have any. I just couldn’t be bothered going through all that pretence for nothing, but obviously it fulfills some need of theirs. Attention? Free meals? I have no idea. If I had to guess, I’d say they lack the character and ability to compromise to form a meaningful relationship but go through the charade of getting guy to commit so they can convince themselves they can be in a relationship any time they want. They don’t seem to understand relationships are built over time and entering one is the easy part.

    Some just aren’t cut out for commitment no matter what they say. They need to be more honest with themselves about who they are.

    Precisely.

  4. It can be the same for men who want a new gadget.

    I can spend months researching a new camera, thinking about all the new photos I’m going to take and all the things I’ll use this camera for.

    I’ll eventually buy it, use it a few times then it’ll be put in the bag and not get seen again for months.

    In the meantime I start justifying buying a go-pro, as I know I’ll definitely use that all the time…

    At least we’re only wasting a bit of cash!

    It sounds like this girl has had a few more shutter openings than my most recent camera…

  5. I’d say the lack of self-reflection with some of these women must be mind boggling. It could be that they enjoy the dopamine hits of being with a new man, or that deep down she doesn’t feel she deserves happiness, maybe she’s an alpha widow/or thinks she can do better.

    Rollo Tomassi writes a lot about these dynamics, and I’d say his blog is one of the best out there in terms of these intersexual dynamics in the 21stC.

    Maybe it’s this: https://therationalmale.com/2019/03/11/womens-existential-fear/
    coupled with infinite choice.

  6. It could be that they enjoy the dopamine hits of being with a new man, or that deep down she doesn’t feel she deserves happiness, maybe she’s an alpha widow/or thinks she can do better.

    Quite possibly. I’d imagine many are damaged goods having been hurt by men in the past, can’t trust them, and therefore have no compunction about lying and hurting men in turn. I’d imagine some actively dislike men.

  7. I suspect this phenomenon is indicative of a culture that no longer values chastity.

  8. I suspect this phenomenon is indicative of a culture that no longer values chastity.

    And one where there is an infinite number of potential partners accessible from a few flicks on your smartphone.

  9. It’s one of those “unintended consequences” of Feminism that the desire to live, work and fuck like a guy is all very well, but after doing it for a while they lose their ability to pair bond, which basically means they are fundamentally broken.

    This “elaborate pantomime” you describe is a perfect example of this lost ability. Sure, she goes through all the motions, trying to get that dopamine response that she used to get (which is why it is so elaborate, she feels that if she just tries that bit harder, this time it will work), but in the end there is no “CLICK”.

    Imagine the frustration of going to all that effort, trying to recreate the perfect set of circumstances required so you can finally pair-bond and you realise at the end that it just ain’t there.

    Many men (being accustomed to the flakiness of modern women), would probably say “It ain’t perfect, but it’s good enough”, but that isn’t how modern women have been programmed. She deserves her soul-mate, the one, he was promised in every Cosmo article and in every bit of pro-female / anti-reality bit of propaganda.

    So for her it’s time to cut her loses, roll the dice and spin the roulette wheel once again. She’s bound to win next time around…isn’t she?

    As for the transition, yes, you can definitely feel it. It’s a bit like how a sailor notices the change of the weather just from the smell of the wind. One minute it is light and breezy, the next it is heavy and humid. It is almost palpable. Their enthusiasm doesn’t just drain away, it evaporates in an instant.

    As for the ghosting, women try and avoid conflict in their personal relationships with men because they are very vulnerable and that basic instinct doesn’t go away even with decades of empowerment. By gradually distancing herself she hopes to avoid conflict. The fact that her every action is captured forever on Facebook and Instagram is a bit of clue, which is why she will eventually have to block you (if she’s got the brains of a sheep) from seeing the new guys she is dating.

    Ghosting is the new “Let’s just be friends” (Yeah. Right. Because that ALWAYS worked so well in the past)

    Get used to it, because it isn’t going away. Invest in boxed wine, cat food and dildo manufacturers.

  10. I just finished re-reading an old book that I was lucky enough to find after many moves, it was Psycho Cybernetics by Max Maltz published in 1960. He was a plastic surgeon that accidental discovered how his patients self image had a huge effect on them, even when he didn’t perform surgery on them.

    His theory is that the women that you have described do actually want to have a long term relationship but that they have a self image problem that subconsciously prevents them from doing so. That might explain why their behaviour pattern seems so repetitive, obvious and predictable.

    The only way that they could overcome this, is if they changed their self image. To change it they would have to become aware of and acknowledge their image problem, want to change it and then change their self image if they wanted to get a different type of result.

    Not that you seem to be taking it personally, it wouldn’t matter if you were George Clooney, as he would be absolutely guaranteed to get the same result as you did.

  11. Wow, did plenty of dating back in the day and it sounds like I had the best of it, I’m 22 years married and well out of it I reckon.

  12. Sure, she goes through all the motions, trying to get that dopamine response that she used to get (which is why it is so elaborate, she feels that if she just tries that bit harder, this time it will work), but in the end there is no “CLICK”.

    That’s exactly the excuse the recent woman gave me: you’re a great guy, etc. but there’s just no CLICK. I then got this in an email:

    I am not afraid of commitment, I just have no reason to settle for something that ‘would do’ as oppose to ‘this is it’. And in those 59 dates, my heart did get broken…as I thought I found the ‘it’, but I wasn’t the ‘it’ for that person….so I walked away… as we can’t force love or feelings….and this is exactly why there is no point in ‘evaluating what’s wrong’ with that person or this person – the bottom line is we all have faults. It’s all about having that feeling about someone on ALL three levels – intellectual, emotional and physical… that’s all there is to it…and ideally that feeling is reciprocated…

    In other words, she’s expecting all the feelings one experiences in a proper relationship to arrive pre-packaged with the man from the outset. My approach is I meet someone, establish that there’s some rudimentary emotional and physical attraction, and over the course of a few dates determine if there’s enough of a foundation on which to attempt to build a meaningful relationship. I don’t believe in this love at first sight whereby you experience the full set of feelings in the first few encounters: this is more infatuation than love. Insofar as I’m looking for a CLICK, it consists of 1) is she cute, 2) does she laugh at my jokes, 3) is she vaguely normal. And in every case I’ve had to compromise something, we all do.

    She also said this:

    See, I have the cake (I have a life I am generally very happy with) and I want a man who would be cream on top of this cake, not the cake itself; someone who adds that something extra to my life and I would do the same in return.

    Which completely contradicted what she’d said over the previous month, when she said she was looking for a serious relationship and a partner to integrate into her own life. What she’s describing above is basically a part-time lover, yet she complained bitterly that most of the 58 men she’d dated thus far wanted only that and she wanted more. And yes, it was her aggressively pursuing me at the beginning.

    Some self-awareness and emotional intelligence wouldn’t go amiss, would it?

  13. The only way that they could overcome this, is if they changed their self image. To change it they would have to become aware of and acknowledge their image problem, want to change it and then change their self image if they wanted to get a different type of result.

    @Bardon – So you’re saying “Fake it ’til you make it”?

    Well doesn’t that just describe the very paragon of virtue for our times? I think my sarcasm chip has burnt out…

  14. The fact that her every action is captured forever on Facebook and Instagram is a bit of clue, which is why she will eventually have to block you (if she’s got the brains of a sheep) from seeing the new guys she is dating.

    She went around blocking me on social media platforms we’d never connected or communicated on and I barely use. She’d have had to actually search my name from fresh in order to block me, and this was before we’d exchanged any harsh words. My guess is she’s pretty used to doing this, it’s routine for her. There’s also some projection going on: she had screenshots of her ex-husband’s Facebook posts on her phone, which isn’t weird at all.

  15. Not that you seem to be taking it personally, it wouldn’t matter if you were George Clooney, as he would be absolutely guaranteed to get the same result as you did.

    Yes, that was obvious pretty early on: I could have replayed the scenario 100 different times with the same result. As indeed she was already playing it for the 59th time.

  16. Incidentally, I’m a little concerned Daniel Ream is going to injure his neck shaking his head at this post and the comments.

  17. In fairness Tim, you are rather preaching to the choir as far as today’s relationships with women goes. Those who managed to get out of the dating pool with a not-totally insane wife before it turned sour are the lucky ones.

    It’s not even an age thing. I came across exactly the same attitude in one of my female ex’s from my youth. Today, she’s 52, still single (her count is probably a lot higher than 59) and exhibits exactly the same attitude of “I’ve got my cake, just looking for the cream”.

    Absolutely delusional. The only difference is that she’s got horses instead of cats. They are a bit harder to clean up after.

  18. Those who managed to get out of the dating pool with a not-totally insane wife before it turned sour are the lucky ones.

    Indeed.

  19. @Bardon – So you’re saying “Fake it ’til you make it”?

    I think in the case of these types of sheilas it runs a bit deeper than that. Not only do they have a deep seated fear and belief that they are unfit to form any kind of meaningful relationship. They also have layer upon layer of mental scar tissue formed over the many years since they were wounded that prevent access to the wound, which is another reason that its hard to cure them and that they will probably remain hard wired to fail no matter what they try and do consciously about it.

    The only way for them to change the record is to get underneath the scar tissue and replace the negative belief with a positive one, which is impossible if you don’t accept you have a problem or accept that you do but remain unable to shine a light on it.

    Me on the other hand, if I told you how much I am going to have in my saving account by this time next year, even though I am retired, you would be paying me money to tell you how I did it.

  20. I’m married youngish 30 years ago, so all of this is alien to my experience.

    I have however watched my own adult children and my many adult nieces and nephews. Many of them are in relationships which, 30 years ago, would by default have become marriages. Instead they remain in relationships but with limited commitment.

    A couple of the relationships have broken up mainly, my wife and I think, because of the external cultural pressures are now not to get hitched in your 20s.

    I’m not sure that a generation of 30 something, unmarried people with Masters Degrees is much happier than a generation which was married with children at the same age.

  21. “….constantly seeking attention and the thrill of a new relationship….”

    There are an awful lot of men who like the thrill of the chase, but once they’ve caught the girl ( i.e slept with her) get bored very quickly and move on. There are also women who like the chase too, but in their case, ‘catching’ is defined as getting full attention and signs of commitment.

    Both sets need to be avoided. It’s not as if women haven’t been complaining about similar behaviour in men for just about ever.

  22. Had a comment here, thought better of it, sent it as an email. Hope I didn’t fudge it.

  23. James above,

    Instead they remain in relationships but with limited commitment.

    Because what incentive is there to get married? Time was, 18 year old boys couldn’t wait to get married because they’d finally be able to have sex. The advent of the pill has made women less fearful of premarital sex, so they’re giving it away for free (so to speak) instead of charging the entry fee of marriage. Meanwhile, men live in fear of having their entire future earnings taken away from them in the event of divorce. I’ve lost count of the number of older, divorced colleagues who warned me against getting married. (I did marry in the end, but out of a sense that it was the right thing to do, rather than for any material advantage.)

    Tim,
    Steer clear of divorcees. They have a proven track record of poor decision-making.

  24. Its just her way of coping with whatever demons she has in her head. Some people cope by drinking and taking drugs to blot them out, some throw themselves into work to distract themselves, some use retail therapy (many women buy stuff and never use it), some use sex. Its all self medication to try and shut up the monkey in their head that constantly chattering away, telling them they’re worthless, or whatever. She’s probably oblivious to the whole thing. Being in that early stages of a relationship blots out the monkey for a bit, but once the reality of an actual relationship dawns the monkey comes back, and at that point the raison d’etre of the relationship has gone. Rinse and repeat.

    I went through this precise cycle – I was depressed, unhappy with myself and my life through out by 20s and 30s, I started to travel in my 30s, as way of escaping my depression (I now realise), I guess hoping that if I went to the other side of the world I could somehow become someone different. Which of course I wasn’t I was exactly the same person but in Australia (or wherever). But the travelling was a nice distraction, all the arranging and booking and looking forward to it took my mind off the monkey. But the monkey always returned after the trips, so there was always another trip on the cards……………..I last went abroad in 2007, in 2008 I had a sort of crisis and subsequent epiphany and sorted my head out, and any interest in travelling disappeared with my depression. The monkey had gone so I no longer needed something to blot him out.

    The older I get the more I realise everyone has their own version of madness in them, and much of their behaviour is down to how they try to cope with it, rather than face it and deal with it. Its easier to take the dopamine hit of sex and shopping (or whatever you use as a coping mechanism) than delve into the inner recesses of your psyche and work out whats going wrong and how to reprogram your way of thinking.

  25. Steer clear of divorcees. They have a proven track record of poor decision-making.

    As poor Prince Harry will undoubtedly find out in short time.

  26. “Steer clear of divorcees. They have a proven track record of poor decision-making.”

    What are the statistics on the success, however* one measures it, of marriages to a partner who has previously divorced versus marrying someone of the same age who has never married previously? People often compare the stats on divorce rates being higher among people who previously divorced, but that’s not a fair comparison because the demographics are not alike – people who remarry tending to be older.

    I wonder, because although “divorcee” might be a considered by some as a red-flag, so might “about 40 years old but never married”. As a man gets older and marrying a twenty-something becomes increasingly fantastical, then realistic marital options involve a divorcee, someone who hasn’t taken that level of commitment to any previous relationship, or not marrying at all. (I suspect widows are in high demand as a possible “out” to this problem.)

    * Divorce rate/longevity of a marriage is not the greatest metric of success since a long unhappy marriage is presumably worse than being single for most people, but while I know there are some psychological studies using happiness/well-being as a metric I think they’re rather rarer.

  27. Not explored is that both anecdotes involved hot women. In the brief interlude of my life when snagging a sexy chic was possible they were simply different relationship experiences altogether. Very attractive women often waft through life having problems magically sorted and the world bent to their will before they even willed it.

    I might very well be a cunt too given such privilege.

  28. @Jim – “delve into the inner recesses of your psyche and work out whats going wrong and how to reprogram your way of thinking.”

    You’re not wrong there.

    That’s the reason I went to the bother of finding that old book that I mentioned a few posts up. I couldn’t for the life of me understand why now that I was retired and no longer had deadlines, problems, incomings and daily stress raisers that I somehow just didn’t feel right sitting in my “dream home” dropping the kid off at school, going for a coffee with the missus and watching movies that I had been meaning to, I just couldn’t seem to get into the groove.

    All it was, was that I was still running my “Hunter Killer” game program that had served me well in the workplace for the last umpteen years, a place where there was no tomorrow and everybody was out to get me, unless I got them first. So, I simply had to relax, defrag my hard disk and change the game plan over to a new one with an abundance of time and life after work type objectives, seems to have done the trick. Thank God I found the book when I went looking for it, otherwise I would have had to sack the wife for losing it!

  29. Tim’s tale somehow reminds me of that wonderful 1980s South African movie — “The Gods Must Be Crazy”. For anyone not familiar with it, rent it today! A Kalahari bushman is charged by his tribe with getting rid of a socially-destructive object which the Gods had unaccountably dropped upon them — an empty Coke bottle. The bushman has to take this dangerous object to the edge of the world and throw it off.

    Along his long journey, he meets an interesting cast of characters, including an old man who lives far out in the bush to get away from the most recent of his many wives. “Women! Can’t live with them. Can’t live without them.”

  30. For whatever reason, this girl – despite being pretty, smart, fun, and from a good family – didn’t want to commit to a relationship. Which is fair enough, but she said she did.

    Never listen to what women say. Just watch what they do.

    Men are rational in their behavior, women rationalise their behavior.

  31. Sure she wants to get married. Craves it, in fact. But only because that is what normal people do, and she knows she isn’t normal, but is desperately terrified of the fact. You want to stay well clear of crazy broads like this.

  32. I don’t know if there’s an explanation for this sort of behaviour. And even if there was, would it matter? We won’t fix them, ever, and it would hardly be worth the certain pain and never-ending risk even if we could. Better to just recognise the warning signs and then avoid them.

    Goodness knows I wouldn’t want to be in the market these days.

    If I was, though, I’d be looking for someone who’d been widowed after a long and happy marriage.

  33. She was passed out drunk on your bathroom floor and the next night she wanted to go out again.

    Public drunkenness is a masive red flag. Just sayin’.

  34. Incidentally, I’m a little concerned Daniel Ream is going to injure his neck shaking his head at this post and the comments.

    Nodding sagely, actually. Your commentariat has pretty much covered anything I might have had to add – although In addition to Rollo Tomassi I’ll point to Dr. Tara Palmetier as a good source of info on how to spot these bints sooner rather than later, and how to keep from falling into their orbit.

    Although if there’s one thing I could reiterate it’s “don’t listen to what she says, look at what she does.” Behaviour is revealed preferences. A woman who gets shitfaced and passes out on the floor in a stranger’s apartment with two men she’s only just met is not wife material.

  35. Thanks Daniel I’ll have a look at Dr Tara’s stuff later in the week.

    On a slightly different but related note, western women have been programmed to see western men as some sort of evil chess opponent that needs to be defeated. Last weekend I had a (soft) debate with a mates girlfriend who claimed to be a feminist (but really of the watches ‘love island’ and doesn’t know who Camile Paglia or Christina Hoff-Sommers is – type of ‘feminist’). She looked at me blankly when I talked about 2nd and 3rd wave feminsm.

    She ended up saying that men have ruled everything for too long, and it was women’s turn now. I pointed out that 99% of men in history didn’t rule over a great deal, 50% of the population can’t join the 1%, and could she name another civilisation except for Wakanda that she’d rather live in.

    Anyway I told her that a. she can have it, but when it breaks we won’t fix it. And b. that the moment they think they will gain this mythical power over men, she will be accused by minorities of being part of the ‘white elite’ that has dominated Britain for too long and will be thrown under the same bus that feminists have thrown western men under.

    I don’t think it gave her food for thought but I think it did for others in the group. Anyway my point is that there are many women for whom life is just a game and success isn’t down to planning, effort and self-reflection – it just happens. I think some of these flaky girls really really believe that life just works itself out.

    I dare say your 59 dates in 2 years lady will be going on yoga retreats soon and repeating mantras about ‘being whole as I am and not needing anyone else’. I think you dodged a bullet Tim.

    Stefan Molyneux has been burning up Twitter for the past week suggesting to women that they might want to have children first and a career second. The vitriol he’s been getting back is eye opening. It’s like sunlight to vampires.

  36. I’m very thankful I’m not on the market for a life partner and that, through a combination of luck and judgement, I have a great spouse.

    However, were that situation to change, I would probably concentrate my efforts on young widows. I suspect the inevitable baggage all of us carry from previous relationships is far more manageable to a new partner if the previous significant other is no longer around and has no danger of returning.

    Also, consider shagging only women who live within a one hour commute of your postcode.

    Have you considered joining the local bowls club? You could follow both of my pieces of advice there (well, maybe not the “young” part).

  37. Perfect is the enemy of good. And women now, for some decades, are getting bombarded with the idea that they are entitled to perfect, should not settle for merely good or good enough but keep looking for that perfect until they get it.

    Only there is no perfect. Sometimes maybe the illusion of it, but that never lasts. Good would be achievable, perfect isn’t.

  38. And women now, for some decades, are getting bombarded with the idea that they are entitled to perfect, should not settle for merely good or good enough but keep looking for that perfect until they get it.

    All of which would be fine in an era of eternal youth and beauty. The reality is though that every spin of the wheel takes time and time is the fire in which we burn.

    Maybe it’s just me, but the hectic lives of women nowadays leaves them looking haggard by their 30’s when they are trying to desperately lock down some chump as the baby rabies sends them insane. If anything tells me that Feminism is a cancerous and delusional vanity it is that.

  39. I think it is all a lot simpler than we think. This is all down to pretty odd thinking patterns we all carry called “cognitive schema” in psychology. This lady, just like so many others seems to think that there is “THE ONE” a soul-mate, the “it” but reality is we can build lasting, caring and loving relationships with so many different people. There is no “the one” we just have to put the effort in and work on relationships to succeed. This lady, as well as many others seems to think her knight in shining armour is still out there somewhere and when they meet they will live happily ever after. This is a very dangerous thought pattern, which indeed prevents her from forming meaningful loving relationships with perfectly great men because she is convinced they are not quite the one because any little “imperfection”. A good physiologist could help sort this out with time and effort from her side.

  40. This lady, just like so many others seems to think that there is “THE ONE” a soul-mate, the “it” but reality is we can build lasting, caring and loving relationships with so many different people. There is no “the one” we just have to put the effort in and work on relationships to succeed. This lady, as well as many others seems to think her knight in shining armour is still out there somewhere and when they meet they will live happily ever after.

    Indeed, and this delusion seems to be particularly prevalent among Russian women.

  41. Indeed, and this delusion seems to be particularly prevalent among Russian women.

    Too many fairy tales and rom coms growing up? Perhaps this forms this weird idea of “the one” and a perfect match they are forever chasing?

  42. Too many fairy tales and rom coms growing up?

    I discussed this with a couple of Russians who came to visit me last week, and we reckoned Russian fairy tales perhaps instill in young women the idea that if they just wander around a bit a prince who answers all their dreams will turn up out of the blue. I suspect Russian fatalism also plays a role, the idea that one can’t influence outcomes very much.

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